The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Ending a Relationship Hurts More Than Trying To Make It Work
If only there were a button or some magic spell that could restore the balance of a relationship, the romantic feelings, the sexual desires towards your partner, restore everything back to normal, to the way it used to be, and clear everything up and make it better again.
Why can’t a relationship be like it was in the beginning? If that were the case, the relationship has technically gone no where since the beginning. Relationships, throughout their duration, are expected to grow and mature, and so do the people involved. Relationships stand the test of time with the partners in the relationship changing, growing, and learning more about each other everyday. Some relationships grow stronger, while others tend to weaken and fall apart.
No relationship is perfect and the relationships without arguments, fights, and challenges are probably not strong relationships. Relationships are strengthened and tested when a couple does not see eye to eye. It is expected that those in a relationship are bound to disagree on some things, but work their way through them, in order to come to some mutual conclusion and agreement.
When it comes to conflicts in relationships, the blame may lie on one side or the other, with each side blaming the other for their actions, or neither side wanting to accept responsibility for their actions. When all is said and done, however, and one is looking back at what went wrong, it usually always leads to the same conclusion: Both of you were wrong and both of you could do or could have done something to fix it. There also may be some people who are for each other and others who were just not meant to be.
This applies to both men and women, who can both be at fault for the tensions in a relationship. When you both got together, something was working, and after a few months, maybe even a year or more if you were lucky, things started to go downhill.
Romance became less and less. Maybe one of you got lazy or too busy to make the other a priority in the relationship. Flirting became almost non-existent. Everything became routine. You both either became two strangers living together or two friends who are just buddies hanging out. You both forgot that you were lovers and romantically and sexually attracted to each other. Life got in the way and it almost seems that the only answer is: end it.
There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship if you both feel it is a mutual decision. However, most couples have just forgotten the things that made them attracted to each other in the first place, and rather than try and fix things, decide its best to move on and start over.
Starting over with someone new, however, is sometimes more worse than trying to fix things with the one person you once loved and probably still love.
These are just many of the common issues that you both need to accept, face, and work on together.
Not Communicating With Each Other
The entire foundation of any relationship between humans is based on communication. It is rare to ever get the girl or guy by not saying anything. Sure, the physical attraction could be there, but most people in a relationship formed the idea of being together based on conversations and communication. It could have been sexual desires that brought two people together, but if the couple never spoke to each other, there would be no relationship.
The person you are in a relationship with should probably be your best friend and best friends talk to each other, share things with other, and are especially enthusiastic about communicating with each other.
Communication helps to form a bond and a connection, not only to be made between the couple, but the family and friends of both individuals involved in the relationship. A miscommunication or wrong vibe from verbal communication to family members or friends can certainly make or break any relationship.
Communication stems from the beginnings of a relationship, to finding out where to meet each other, to how each other is feeling, to finding out the likes, dislikes, and qualities of each other, to knowing what to actually call the relationship as it becomes more than just acquaintances, dates, and friends.
Communication is at its strongest point usually in the beginning of any relationship, as it is not just physique that attracts us to another individual, but what they say and do and how we reply.
Communication allows us into a person’s life, to understand their wants, desires, and goals to determine whether they are right for us in the long-term of our life, or whether there is simply no connection to lead us down that path to being in each other’s lives.
Communication is used to determine the honesty of a person, as a person who says they will be somewhere or will do something, but don’t do it, can tell us a lot about a person. Communication is not a step-by-step process that we must get through in our relationship, but it is a continued process and means by which we continually increase our bond and love for one another.
As a relationship progresses forward, and we get passed the honeymoon stage, and become routine to each other, it is like we talk to each other about everyday situations, our children, our jobs, and the known parts of our lives, but we forget to continue talking about our interests, our excitements, our philosophy, our ideas and thoughts.
We forget that communication is not and should never be a step-by-step process, but rather, and ongoing conversation by which we are always getting to know each other. We hardly talk about the things that get us going and drive us to be passionate. Our partners are the very people that need to hear these things.
It is not always that simple though, as sometimes it seems that our partners might not always be interested in what we have to say or what we want to do. Unfortunately, it is these very insights and conversations that continue to keep the foundation of our relationship strong.
Not Listening To Each Other
This goes hand-in-hand with communication. In the beginning of any relationship, most people are very open to listening to each other, to understanding each other, to knowing and getting to know each other. From philosophical conversations, to religious thoughts and ideas, to the history of either person, to what the future may hold, there is conversation to be found with each other!
Somewhere along the line, in a relationship, we stop listening to each other. We might hear each other, but it sometimes goes in one ear and out the other, or we tend to just get fed up with the other person and ignore them most of the time completely. Both sides should relearn how to communicate and listen. When one person talks, the other listens and vice versa. Trying to talk on top of each other or not even trying to hear what the other has to say is the doom and failure of any relationship.
Not Caring About Each Other
When you first began seeing each other and dating, you cared so much about each other. From calling each other, writing each other love notes, letters, and poems to just wanting to spend time with each other, looking into each other’s eyes, seeing the soul of the one you love.
Caring and loving comes in the form of the many smaller forms of affection, from touching one’s hand, to caressing one’s face, to bringing one another flowers or food, and may even come in bigger forms, such as gifts, vacations, filling up the gas tank, and even paying off a bill.
Maybe you stopped caring about each other as much. Maybe you stopped doing those little things or major things for each other once you got more serious in the relationship, married, or even had children together. Those little things did matter and made your relationship what it was. It was those little things you did for each other that really let each other know that you both cared about one another. Unfortunately, you both somehow started caring about everyone else, and forgot to continue caring about each other. Bring back that care for each other.
Not Finding Time for Each Other
Work, chores, kids, family, friends, pets, errands, life. Everything gets in the way and everything seems to take priority over each other. You both are so into your lives and getting things done that you forget to even make time for each other.
Remember when you first met and the priority was each other? You would take each other out on dates, spend time going to restaurants, concerts, or other events. Nowadays, the only time you both make for each other is bedtime, the few seconds of telling each other goodnight before you head off into dreamland. This is not making time for each other at all. It is time to figure out ways to make and spend time together, especially alone time.
This is not to say that you should neglect your other priorities, but find that time again to make each other a priority for at least an hour a day or a few hours a week, to have alone time where you can just hang out, cuddle, or be romantic with each other without any distractions.
Not Helping Each Other With Chores
If the house is not cleaned and there are chores to be done, romance and sex are probably not going to happen.
For men, if you expect your woman to give you attention and have amazing sex with you, this is probably not going to happen if she has a dozen things on her mind. If there are dishes in the sink, the floor is dirty, the desk has a ton of paperwork on it, the carpets need to be vacuumed, and the house looks a mess, than this will likely affect any behavior in the bedroom.
This is not just her job, but yours as well. This includes making dinner for everyone and helping out with chores. If she is doing everything, than by the time she finishes it all, she is tired and is probably not even interested in having sex with you or showing you any romance or affection.
For women, if you expect your man to give you attention and have amazing sex with you, but you fail to ensure the house chores are done or you never cook because you bring feminism into the equation, than sex and affection are probably not going to happen. You may enjoy this for a while, but he is likely to become distant from you, put up an emotional wall, or have feelings of resentment towards you.
While both a husband and wife should share cooking duties, it is a woman’s job to ensure her family is properly fed and taken care of, while it is a man’s job to ensure that his woman is able to properly take care of her family. You are the woman of the household and you do need to take care of your family, including the needs of your children and your man. Men are never exempt from taking care of his woman especially, either.
Considering the time we live in, gender roles have become somewhat neutral, with roles being switched or interchangeable, but in point of this article, we assume that both man and woman, husband and wife, have taken to specific shared responsibilities.
Not Helping Each Other With Kids
It is no secret that if you want to kill your sex life faster than anything, just have some children. Okay, this is just speculation and observation. There are probably plenty of married partners with children who find ways to have plenty of sex. However, for those that can never seem to find the time, children do have high needs, require attention and care, and this does not stop until they are adults.
The mistake often made between couples is the fact that, tying in with finding time for each other, the children become the priority, rather than the significant other. The children have been made priority beyond necessity, so much so that the spouse is completely ignored or made significantly less important. This causes feelings of resentment, despair, and sadness in the relationship, ultimately hindering and almost destroying those feelings of love for each other.
This is not to say that you should never put your children first, but it took you and your spouse to make those children. You shared something special with your spouse. Just because you are seeing the results of that special moment you shared long ago, does not mean you cannot still share moments together.
Make your spouse your priority and then the children. Everything else will fall into place. When the children are gone and out of the house, there is still that special someone you have, your spouse. Make sure they remain your special someone throughout the duration of your relationship and the children’s lives.
Not Making Each Other a Priority
This has been stated several times with priority and communication being the keys to a great relationship. If your spouse is priority over everyone and everything else, as they should be, than there should be no issues in the relationship.
If there are other things that are immediate priority and need to be taken care of, than by all means, your spouse should be understanding, and it is perfectly acceptable, but remember that you are in a relationship with someone who is with you and you are with them.
This is not to say that it is okay to call out to work and stay in bed all day to have sex, though everyone does need and should take a day off here and there, especially for a hot wild passionate day of sex.
Okay, go ahead, call out. You and your spouse need it. There is nothing better than the “no kids are home” kind of sex, where you can be as loud as you want, and even walk around the house naked. Yes, take a day, just for that. Plan for it, set the mood and tone for it, with candles and good smells, and make it happen. If you are both planning for it, and fantasizing about it, than it is bound to happen and be amazing.
On the other hand, if your spouse is not priority in your life, than why are you together? It makes no sense to be with someone who puts you last on their list and everything before you. Acquaintances might do this, but good friends, family, and loved ones do not. Making your best friend, your spouse, your loved one a priority and carving out time in your day to focus only on them is very important for the relationship.
Not Fulfilling Each Other’s Needs
From spending time with each other, giving each other attention, to making each other a priority, in any relationship, the needs of each other need to be fulfilled emotionally, intimately, and physically. When two partners do for each other, take each other into consideration to ensure that the relationship is satisfactory, and ensure that all needs in the relationship are fulfilled, the relationship will grow stronger.
As time passes on and we stop making each other a priority and putting other things first, the relationship starts to suffer, with each partner not having their needs met from basic attention, to praise, to comfort, to sexual satisfaction. These are all the basic necessities of any relationship.
While there may be some argument that “it’s not all about sex”, it certainly is a great dynamic of any relationship that is a great bonus and reassures an intimate bond with each other. Sex includes attention, praise, and comfort, although these things can certainly come without any sex involved.
Fulfilling each other’s needs is about returning back to the state of mind where your partner is number one in your life and the aim is to satisfy each other in every way.
Not Saying I Love You
There are plenty of people who would prefer to just show that they love someone, but there are many more people, especially, who need to hear those three words. I love you means a lot to someone. Of course, people could just say it without meaning it, but those who say it and show it are going to be happier in the relationship.
As we go about our daily lives, these words may be forgotten or not said enough throughout the day. It might even be a common routine to just say them without thinking, which is great, but really looking at your spouse and telling them that you love them means much more than just the mundane routine of the words.
Most of us might think we are romantic or have romantic tendencies, but the majority of men and women are hardly romantic at all. What is romance exactly? Where do we learn it from? It seems that the Hollywood stereotype of romance is too good to be true, and romance novellas tend to exaggerate the fantasy. Sure, romance is in the eyes of the beholder, from a nice day in the park, to dinner and a movie at night, to a massage, but what works for one person may not work for another.
Some men and women are amazing at romance, making a few plans, and things just happen so smoothly. That happens mostly in the movies. For the rest of us, we have to make plans, hope that those plans stick and don’t get cancelled. We have to come up with the money to make those plans happen. We have to do all sorts of things to make romance happen. After all is said and done mixed in with the daily stress of life, romance hardly seems worth it, and it might be best to just cuddle up in bed with your honey and call that romance.
Regardless of whether your partner can make romance happen or just was never romantic to begin with, there are still plenty of things that can be done and could be considered romantic. A woman who is relieved of her house duties for the day, is that not romantic? A man who comes home to a nicely cooked meal, is that not romantic? A man and woman who do things together throughout the day, such as getting her flowers, or leaving him a flirtatious love note, is that not romantic? Waking up to a cup of freshly made coffee in the morning, is that not romantic? Is romance having the bedroom to yourselves without the noise of kids outside the door?
Romance is all in our minds and we all have an idea of what romance is, but it is hardly ever clearly defined.
If your partner was never romantic to begin with, chances are, they won’t start anytime soon, even if they try to be, they just might not be the romantic type. If they were romantic and suddenly stopped doing the normal things they used to do, than the dynamics of your relationship likely changed. Maybe you did something they did not like or you did not show enough appreciation. Romance takes time and effort and while the rewards and results might be great in the end, there are times when all that time and effort did not seem worth it.
There are certainly plenty of things one can do to be more romantic, such as reading books, tips, or advice that anyone can find on the Internet, or even hear from happy couples who speak of romance.
Rather than focusing on the big scenarios of romance, such as a long romantic day of just the two of you, as a couple, focus on the small things you do for each other. The hand holding, the caressing, the hugging, the butt rubbing, the kissing, the necking, the cuddling, and the spooning. Every little moment you spend with your partner is romantic when you put away all the distractions and focus on each other.
Relationships are not easy to be in all the time and while Hollywood portrays perfect relationships in movies, and they certainly exist in real life, the majority of relationships have their many good moments and their many bad moments.
It is up to both partners to really work at it and not expect things to just work out themselves. If one partner wants to make it work, but the other does not, it will not work. If both partners do not want to make it work, than that is the end right there. Both partners must be committed to solving issues within their relationship and finding ways to make it work, not just tolerating each other, but learning to mutually respect and love one another, not for what they can do for each other, but for who they are as individual persons.
Communication and respect are the building blocks to creating, building, fixing, and repairing relationships. Relationships can end as quickly as they seemed to begin, but the memories, the heartfelt moments, and even the pain and suffering will remain with us for our entire lifetime.