Anonymous 4m 1,038 #maid
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
I lived and worked in Yosemite National Park for three magical years. I started out with a summer seasonal job as a trail guide, but as time went on I loved Yosemite too much to leave. When the trails closed, I took the only available position: being a hotel maid at the Yosemite Lodge. Think what you will of maids, but we come in more forms than just the typical hispanic ladies. We are college students, transient vagabonds, old men, young girls and guys, we speak English, some don’t.
The truth of what happens in your hotel rooms will leave you laughing and shocked. Here are some small anecdotes from the underbelly of the Lodge:
1. FOOD/ALCOHOL: Some guests are truly great and leave tips for us. It’s not always in the form of money, but sometimes food and alcohol. Being given food is amazing! That is lunch or dinner for the day, could be groceries too (I’ve been given bread, cookies, fruit, chips, etc). But when you leave alcohol, we are SUPPOSED to call it in. Does that happen? Hardly. We chug that precious wine as fast as we can, slam back the shots we afford, or kill all those beers you were too lazy to bring home. That’s right, we get drunk on the job. Who will notice? We are by ourselves all day, listening to music. We encounter our Room Inspectors about once every 2 hours and hardly see guests.
One day I was paired up with my friend Sydney** and we started drinking in our section, it was a wedding and lots of wine/champagne was left behind. We slammed it all but I got much drunker than I anticipated. I would make beds and Sydney had to “correct” them because they were…slanted.
2. NAPS: It really doesnt take that long to clean a hotel room depending on the condition the tourists left it in. More times than none, they are fairly clean. If we have extra time after cleaning that room, we nap! We are tired from running around, caring heavy items, moving furniture, dealing with needy guests, and just dealing the crazy things on a daily basis. And yes, we will sleep in your room on our lunch breaks.
3. SHOWERS: Sorry folks but we shower in your hotel rooms on occaison. Sometimes we got up late and still need to freshen up. Or in the case of living in Yosemite, we are self-proclaimed dirtbags. We are hikers, backpackers, rockclimbers, and showers become our last priority.
My friend Harold** is a rockclimber and was a maid with me for a few months. He rarely showered, maybe once every 2-3 weeks and it was obvious. His natural BO would be crop-dusted all over the rooms he cleaned and tourists complained. Our manager told him he couldn’t work until he showered. Instead of going home to shower, he just went to a guests room and bathed there.
4. MASTURBATION: If you are a hotel maid, you better have a rich spank bank. It is EXTREMELY common for us maids (both men and women) to masturbate in almost every room we can, and then text our co-workers the room number we just defiled. Why? Not really sure. Perhaps bragging rights, bored, or something to take your mind off your crappy job. If something seems sticky, I wouldn’t be too surprised.
5. SEX: We get it on. Everywhere. Hotel rooms, linen closets, maintenance shops, storage rooms, decks. Almost 95% of the national park employees live in the park in special employee housing. Exo-facto, you live with your co-workers and work with your neighbors. Everyone is constantly hooking-up.
I was involved with a friend of mine and one day we were paired together at work. We decided we would have sex as many times as we could throughout the day, whether the rooms were vacant or occupied. We had sex about 5 times that day in a linen closet and 4 hotel rooms.
6. SMOKING: Sometimes you need to burn off some smoke at work. When we feel like it, we will grab a few buddies, go to a sweet spot off the property or on a balcony, and smoke a blunt. Yep, not only do we get drunk, nap, masturbate, and have sex in your hotel rooms, we smoke in them too.
One time I actually smoked with some tourists! I came in to do a stayover cleaning (meaning the room would still be occupied) and started remaking the beds. The blinds to the balcony were closed and all of a sudden, 2 girls my age came inside and said, “Whew, we thought you were our dad. We’re about to smoke a blunt.” I replied with something along the lines of, “I wish I could join…” The girls straight up said, then don’t clean our room! Take a break and smoke with us.” I did, and it was glorious.
7. SEX TOYS: I have found vibrators. Handcuffs. Trash cans filled with lube and 5-Hour Energies. Dildos. Anal beads. Gimp masks. Full length leather gloves. A clit-flicker. W few whips. I will leave it at that.
8. SMELLS AND STEREOTYPES: You can walk into a room, smell it, and instantly know where the people are from or their ethnicity. Yosemite is largely an international destination, so the possibilities are endless. You smell curry? Better bet an indian family stayed. Smell ramen noodles? They are Japanese and expect to find TONS of hair in the tubs and $1 per pillow. Smell BO? They are Italian or Middle Eastern. If it’s the latter, expect used toilet paper to be in the trash bin. Smell something sweet? Expect to be cleaning after someone of Scandinavian descent and find many half-eaten pastries in the trash.
9. ACTUAL CLEANING: We do it. We actually change your bed sheets and towels. We will scrub your toilets and tubs. Yes, we vacuum those floors and make sure you have clean blankets. We do our job…after we defile your room.
I hope you enjoyed knowing what goes really goes down in your hotel rooms. Don’t be scared to stay in them, just know that before we cleaned, your room was: smoked in, drunk in, masturbated in, napped in, banged in, and overall straight up defiled.
You’re welcome.
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