Anonymous 7m 1,763
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Missed Opportunity: College Sweetheart
Missed Opportunity #CollegeExperience
We met in college. You were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. Everything about you was perfect. You had no idea how beautiful you were. Everyone knew it. But you were just you, always a go-getter, and always focused on changing the world. Instead of following my heart and soul, I let my anxiety get the best of me and started asking for advice, for which one person, who was our college mentor, a matchmaker and the “grandma” of the organization that helped us feel like family in college. She said she didn’t think I was right for you — and that we weren’t a match — because you were so outgoing and I was an introvert.
Why am I so blind to see you? Yet I saw you and I knew I loved you, with all my heart and soul. But still, I knew I wanted you, I knew I had to have you, and I knew I loved you beyond what words can even explain. I didn’t have much confidence, but I asked anyway. I asked you out and you said yes. My heart was pounding hard. I couldn’t believe you said yes. This beautiful girl, said yes to me. We went to a Matisyahu concert. You said you liked him, but whether I was sure I wanted to go. Of course, why would I have that doubt? I had no doubts in you. During our train ride, the conversation was slightly awkward, because I’m just nervous, but we managed to still get along and the feeling was good.
We stepped outside of the train and realized it was so cold. You forgot your jacket. I put my jacket on you and hugged you and told you because I was with you, I didn’t feel cold at all. We went into the concert. I asked you if you wanted a drink, but you turned it down. I had a drink myself, but managed to keep it to just one, because I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me or see any stupid side to me if I was drunk. We went into the concert and although we had been packed together, I just wanted to hold you. I wanted you to want me to hold you. I held you a few times and you did not resist. But the concert got loud and I knew we couldn’t talk.
We got back on the train. You sat down but there were no seats available for me. So I stood next to you, watching you from a short distance, knowing you were the girl I loved, I wanted to protect, the girl I wanted to know and spend the rest of my life with. We got off the train. I walked you home. I smiled at you. And then I left.
This was the biggest regret and mistake of my life. I should have walked back to you to kiss you and to tell you that although we were from very different worlds, I knew I loved you when I first saw you.
Missed Opportunity #ThruCollege
All throughout college, you were busy. I was busy. I was studying all the time, trying to get sleep in when I could, and working when I had to work, I was never able to really ask you out on a date again. And so… my entire college experience went by — I got to enjoy the few moments I got to be with you… we saw each other here and there — but I never bothered to ask you out again.
We took a photo together, a photo I will cherish forever. You looked so good in my arms and I hope I looked good next to you. Your body language was snug against mine, and I knew you were my baby, the one I wanted to protect. The one I would be with. I can’t even explain but those were the times I cherished with you, even if it only got to mean that I was next to you. I wished you had felt the same. Maybe you once did.. maybe I just missed another opportunity.
I remember us going to a festival and you asked me to come with you, but when we got there, you introduced me to some friends as “This is…. my friend” with hesitation, as if — we were meant to be more. I know, I felt it too. You wanted to say it and I wish you did. Still, I stood silent, and should’ve told you right there: I know I’m not your boyfriend, but I’d like to be, because I cannot take my eyes off you.
We had a final day on campus together. We walked to a warm spot in the sun by the lake. I, for whatever reason, decided to lay down. You didn’t want me to put my head in the grass and told me to relax on you. I put my head near your pelvis, and I looked up at you, and smiled, and yet, and told you I loved you, or maybe I only thought I did. But I knew you were the girl I always wanted. The girl I always loved. The girl I always missed.
I went off to live in another country to teach English and just feel like I was doing something with my life. I always wanted to live in another country and this was a great time to do it. Better to do it and regret it than to never do it and regret it! A philosophy I should have learned years ago and practiced.
During my time there, I was focused on what I was doing, all the while I was trying to figure out how to always get back to you, because I knew that perhaps, I would never see you again, yet still trying to live my life. But ultimately, you were my reason for living, my reason for wanting to be somebody. I managed to hack my computer to call you so I could talk to you for free. And I always managed to get through, and you picked up. I wanted to tell you everything going on, tell you about my life, tell you I wanted to know about yours, and everything going on! Hearing about your day made my day worth living, even if you were upset — I just wanted to be there to comfort you. And yet, I called, and our conversation … did not last for more than a few minutes. It was as if wanted you in my life, as my best friend, but we didn’t make plans to call each other, which meant we never could get closer, and this was the best time to do it. I should have invited you to come visit. But asking you out from another country would have made things seemed a little awkward. Or maybe that was my anxiety talking.
A year later, I returned home, back to my home state. Not where I wanted to be, but where I chose to be for a temporary time. I got a job and somehow met another woman, who tried her hardest, for months to get my attention. You were the only one on my mind. The only one I wanted. And I lost focus, because of our non-relationship. Finally, I gave in and I let you go, for what I thought would be temporary.
I decided to try and move on without you and managed to do so as long as I kept myself pre-occupied with doing something. For years, I was trying to pay off my student loan debt while trying to get back to you, eventually. And from job to job, I hit the right one, and they moved me — of all places, to where you lived.
I called you up and told you the news. You were actually excited as well, but you seemed pre-occupied with other things, obviously, living your life, and working on that Masters. I didn’t want to bother you too much, but asked for some help, and you obliged, getting your parents to host me for however long I needed, until I finally got into a place of my own.
From there, everything was going smoothly and amazingly. I was loving life getting used to it, living in my new town. During the few interactions we had, I wanted to just tell you everything, that I missed you, that I wanted to hold you… and yet, I was more of a stranger to you. Or maybe that was my anxiety talking.
For whatever reason, perhaps the real reason, I couldn’t, was out of fear of being rejected by the soul I’d always wanted to spend my life with… and you may have feared me too, but I never wanted to hurt you, and I feel that living a life without you… has hurt you greatly, as it has hurt me, and I suffer for it at every minute of the day.
I am not a nice person. I wish I was. Had I just been slightly more confident in myself, we might be… but after a decade of loving you while loving someone else… it was never fair to the woman who I chose to spend the rest of my life with, but I realized my mistake, and in the process, I knew I lost you forever.
That was my last missed opportunity with you, and I will forever cherish all the time I spent with you, for letting go of you, means I must move on. I wish I knew how, but I only knew how by breaking contact with you… I hated myself for it. I wanted to die. But I loved you, but to bring everyone together, might be bad for all of us. I miss you, I love you.
Goodbye, my sweetheart.
I could not call you. I could not message you. For I knew that I would hurt another heart in the process, multiple, in fact. Had I lost my job and left right then and there… I may have salvaged what life I could, but there were just too many missed opportunities, and then again–not once did you really attempt to contact me. And I knew my answer. Because I have history with you, I know that every opportunity will be a missed opportunity.