Anonymous 7m 1,076
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
To our valued customers:
1. On Saturday afternoons, please do not be angry when I cannot accept a 50 or 100 dollar bill for that 1.59 cent pack of gum. I have less than $200 in the drawer, and can not make change and have more left over for the next day and half. “Why can’t I just get change?” Because, A-it’s Saturday, and banks are closed, so I can’t get change, and B-None of the other stores can make change for 100 because, frankly, we are all in the same boat. Also, I am here by myself, and I am not using my unpaid break to walk to the grocery store to break it, unless you want to pay me.
2. As previously stated, this is a small business. We do not currently have a Bar-code scanning system so that we can get you in and out in less than 30 seconds. I have to type each number in individually, and sometimes determine whether or not the code is a duplicate. It will take a minute. Please do not be upset. I am going as fast as I can. And frankly, I don’t want you here either.
3. Please, if you don’t like the things we carry, then leave. Don’t complain that you are offended to me. For every one of you tight-asses, there are 400 people who buy that item. I understand that the medium of the store is slightly risqué, but that’s our stores charm. If you want some cheesy tourist shit, there are 90 other stores in a mile radius carrying that.
4. Why do we carry Obama merchandise and not McCain? Turns out, Obama won, and no one wants merchandise for the losing team. Think about it; Boston plays New York again. Boston wins. If you own a store, do you sell Boston memorabilia or New York memorabilia?
5. Don’t ask where we get our merchandise. Frankly, it’s none of your business, and when you ask, we think you are from another store and interested in our product lines. We also think that you may be looking for our merchandise at a lower cost. First off, we sign exclusive deals with all of our vendors. If you find it here, no one else in town is allowed to have it. Also, our prices are cheaper than the vendors even sell on their website 99% of the time. When you include shipping, you will start to wonder how we stay afloat. Mind your own business.
6. Were ALL of you raised in barns? Jesus Christ, if you have to OPEN the door to get in, CLOSE it behind you…DUH
On a similar note, if you leave the door open, then bitch about the temperature, fuck you. It was perfect before you left the door open like an ass. If I have to shut the air off because the door is left open and my boss wants to save money, and you complain about the temp and leave the door open, I will kill you. I swear to Christ, I will rip your heart out and eat it like an animal.
7. If you don’t like our prices, don’t shop here. Leave. Don’t complain to me. Frankly, I don’t care. I don’t set them, so don’t bitch to me. And if I could do something for you (which I can) I wouldn’t. On principle, you sniveling warthog. If you don’t want to pay 3.25 for a vintage birthday card that you can only find here, then go to Wal Mart and pay 3-5 dollars for one that everyone else is giving that person too. Fuck you, corporate slave.
8. When I ask if I can help you, I mean it. See, I work here. Nearly 40 hours of my week, every week are spent putting away, labeling, cleaning and stocking merchandise. I pretty much know where everything is. So instead of acting like I have the plague, ask me where to find what you are looking for, and for suggestions if you aren’t really sure. That way, I can help you find what you need, and you can get the hell out of my way.
9. When I tell you that we close in 5 minutes, it usually means that we are closed, but I am being nice and allowing you to shop anyways. Do not give me attitude, and do not linger for 20 minutes. I hate you.
10. If I am helping another customer, instead of jumping in front of them, tapping me on my shoulder, or just shouting over us, how about waiting politely until I am available. Unless you are God himself, you are not important than the person I am already helping. Back of the line asshole.
11. No, The Instant Irish Accent Breathe Spray will not actually give you an Irish accent. If it could it would not be $6.37. Please do not operate heavy machinery or power tools. I am not sure you are eligible to vote either.
12. I do not care to hear your political opinions. I will not tell you mine. But if they are not along the lines of mine, I secretly am wishing you get hit by a car. I am putting bad juju on you as your stupidity spills out of your mouth.
13. Our store is about 40 feet long. It takes less than 30 seconds to walk from one end to the other. If you take something out, put it away. Don’t be a child.
14. If you went to Wal Mart, or Target and tried to negotiate prices, they would laugh at you. What in hell makes you think its ok to do here?
15. Although this is a tourist area, I am not a tour guide. I am also not a concierge. I don’t mind telling you the area restaurants, or some of the things to do in the area as I am ringing you up. It is not, however, my job to give you a detailed history of the area along with the tide schedule and best deal on toilet paper. There is internet everywhere. Get out of my way.
I do hope this makes it easier for me, the salesperson, and you, the customer, to relate to each other. Hopefully we can have a meaningful relationship where I take your money and you don’t annoy the shit out of me.