Anonymous 11m 1,687 #girlofmydreams
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
In every man’s life, he may have a rare opportunity to come across a girl that captures his attention, that stands out from all the rest, who inspires him, and amazes him, and is someone he can see himself having a life with, and makes him have the desire to commit. This girl is one in a few billion that is like no other and his heart is set off to unknown scary territory, as she, in his mind, of all the women in the world, feels is The One. He may have the great pleasure to have a conversation with her, get to know her, and even take her out on a date. In even more rare occasions, he may get involved in a relationship with her, and in an even rarer moment, he may get the chance to marry her and supposedly be happy for the rest of his life, though when has marriage ever led to happiness? Unfortunately, the occasion is as chanced as love or winning the lottery. It happens every so often, because there are several billion opportunities and moments for it to happen, and statistically, there is a chance of it happening to everyone, but not to you or me. In my case, the girl of my dreams became the girl of my nightmares.
I was completely shy in high school, dreaming about girls, but hardly ever working up the courage to talk to them. It was easier to talk to girls I didn’t like and even hot girls that I really knew I had no chance with than a girl who I liked. I worked up the courage to ask a few girls out, but always got met with rejection. Once in college, I began to come out of my shell, open up, and talk to every girl, regardless if I liked her or not. I was open to meeting new people, getting to know everyone, and even practiced asking girls for their number, even if I had no intentions of calling them. It helped me to gain confidence in myself.
I went through college having a few dream girls but coming to the realization quickly that the relationship potential was really just not there, so they remained in my fantasies. Not a big deal. I moved on and never thought much about them after that. I focused on my studies, working full time while attending school, so I was kept busy, and came to the conclusion that I really didn’t even have time for a relationship. It was enough for me not to feel bad about not being in a relationship, despite many others around me having a significant other. In fact, I started to enjoy being alone, enjoyed the company of myself, and learned a lot about myself through loneliness.
It was my junior year of college and a new year had begun. I had noticed her in the hallway, having never seen her before, and just said hello to her, welcomed myself, and got to know her name. I thought nothing else about her that day, and didn’t even realize that I had already begun developing feelings for her. I think that there are certain emotions and feelings which we just cannot control and have no idea that they are even there until they are brought out by some unforeseen force. For example, lets say I am hungry, and someone puts an apple pie or some type of cake on the table and leaves it there. How long do I have before my hunger sets in and I give into my urges to have a piece? I could try to ignore those cravings for as long as long as I want and I may even succeed at doing so, but it still doesn’t make the hunger or urges that I had go away. They still came up and I still had to deal with them. I would say it’s the same innate traits for desires and love of another human being.
I began to notice her more and more often around the college and she invited me to a few organizations that she was involved in and I went to them, hoping to get to know her more. It did not work out as planned, but I did get to know her gradually, but not as much as I would have liked. A few more semesters went by, and I was focused on my studies and other girls, not paying much attention to her, or even noticing her at all. Unfortunately, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t know what came over me, but she was all I could think about. Maybe there was an event at school that really made me admire her, and from there, I fell completely head over heels in love with her. I wish I knew. Sometimes, love just happens that way and there is no explanation for it.
I ended up asking her out casually and she agreed. We went on a date and things went well. Afterwards, I walked her to her door, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and went home. I wish I could say that things went forward after that, but instead, they just stayed at that level of friendship with some benefits. Those benefits were a very close friendship of trust, flirting, and making out. For a time, I even thought I was her boyfriend because she invited me everywhere and hung around me a lot. We showed affection towards each other that I had never experienced before with another person. It seemed like we were actually in a relationship. I enjoyed it for what it was and was glad to be that guy she went to for casual romance and friendship.
Unfortunately, all things must come to an end. She began to become distanced from me, and soon, all signs of love and life from her towards me had disappeared as quickly as they arrived. I didn’t know what to do. We both eventually graduated college and went our separate ways. Looking back on it now, I wish there was something else I had done or could have done, but I wasn’t sure then what it was. I probably lacked the confidence she desired to make the relationship more than what it was. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it now.
The girl of my dreams soon became the girl of my nightmares. She began to appear in my dreams. At first, the dreams were pleasant. She was in my arms and she was my girl. I loved her and she loved me. We went on picnics, dates, lived together, and even traveled the world together. We were best friends and lovers. She was mine and I was hers. We were inseparable. She was everything I could have ever imagined, everything I had ever dreamed, and of course, that’s all she was, just a dream. A dream that I never wanted to wake up from because at least there, I was happy. Unfortunately, all dreams must come to an end and I would wake up miserable, realizing that none of it was true, and my mind was playing tricks on me. I would wake up thinking that she was next to me, or I could feel the ghost of her lying next to me, but really, it was just my imagination, running away with me.
The dreams were happening on occasion, and even during a one or two-week period, I had a dream about her every night. The worst part of it was, I looked forward to these dreams, because it gave me some pleasure away from my real life, where I got to be with the girl of my dreams, but it also made me miserable, because I would wake up, knowing the reality of it was that she was not really a part of my life and there was nothing I could do about it.
Over the years, the dreams were not as frequent as they used to be, but they still happen on occasion. I no longer look forward to these dreams, except maybe to get a glimpse of the girl of my dreams, as I know these dreams will likely turn into nightmares. The dreams began to shift to a whole new level and currently remain this way today. Instead of my lover and my best friend, she is now a distant stranger in my dreams, someone who hardly knows who I am. I often do something that makes her angry or upset with me, and she ignores my existence. Despite my efforts to try and make up for it, or even attempt a friendship with her, I always end up never being able to reach her, convince her, or make her understand me and reconsider. The dream always ends with me realizing that I have no chance with the girl of my dreams and that I no longer exist to her anymore. She sees me, but continues to ignore me and avoid me. Although there is pleasure in seeing the girl of my dreams, I know it is a dream that will end up torturing me. It is a painful reality and a painful recurring nightmare.
My love for her never goes away and all I can do is make that love a part of me and accept it for what it is. I no longer talk to her anymore and she has moved on with her life. She will always be a part of me, someone I once loved, and someone who I had believed once loved me. I am very happy to have had the pleasure to meet and spend time with the girl of my dreams. At least I did get the great opportunity to have that chance, and whether I have a dream or a nightmare, she appears, because she is still the girl of my dreams.