Jacob 15m 2,218 #marriage
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
The contents of this confession have been deemed for a mature audience only.
Please understand before reading, this is a one-sided story and I am likely as guilty, as it takes two in the party to make or break a marriage. At least one party must feel the marriage is no longer satisfying, and may declare that it is over or decide to do something about it. Marriage takes a lot of work and when all the comedians say: “nothing can prepare you for marriage”. It’s absolutely true! Nothing can make you feel as if you were one person and now you are two and working as a unit. Instead of “I” or “me”, your world becomes “us” and “we”.
I was with the woman I would call my wife for nearly a half of a decade before I asked her to marry me. Things were going well and I did truly love this woman and I felt that she truly loved me. And for a time, it was glorious and all true. But things change, people change, and times change. She was slightly older than me, although our maturity levels were not so different, except we had two vast differences: she wanted to be responsible about things that I had no interest in being responsible for, such as her teenage children, and she wanted me to be responsible for them as well. There were also everyday things that she worried about that I just had no care in the world about and she tried to make me care about them, but I only did them out of the reason to stop her nagging.
Every person comes with their own bad habits and baggage when they enter into a relationship. The couple can either communicate with each other to help change these bad habits or let them slip one by one until those habits are a part of the relationship. The baggage is either accepted or you end the relationship right then and there if you cannot handle what you are unwilling to accept. Bad habits might include leaving dishes lying around, not folding laundry, leaving dirty clothes all over the house, not washing dishes, or cleaning, etc. I overlooked a lot of her bad habits in our early relationship, because our early relationship was all about the wild hot passionate sex we were having.
Every position was allowed and I would spend time on making sure she had her orgasms, while she would spend time on actually not pretending as if my penis was a real live snake, so she was more willing to hold it in her hand, play with it, rub it, lick it, and even suck it from time to time. I can remember the one and only time she swallowed: I was in love. I wanted more, but that never happened again. It all now seems like it was her attempt to try and win me over, and she certainly did, with other sexual positions. After all, sex before her was rare, and I was alone, so it was a welcomed opportunity and adventure.
I could tell she was getting impatient and I asked her to marry me. During the fiancee phase, she was happy and giving me the best sex of my life. It was wonderful, amazing, and filled with promise. I couldn’t believe it. “Once we’re married, there’s going to be a lot more of this.” I believed her sweet little lies as I watched her on her knees, as I sat in a chair, and she spent time slowly licking the shaft of my dick before sticking the whole of my penis in her mouth. I imagined the fantasy of it in my mind, holding on to this moment, not realizing just how far from reality it really was going to be.
There were many other problems, such as her laziness of leaving the house a mess and expecting me to clean up after her. She also had young children that were not mine, who took up more of her focus and energy than it could ever be on me. And I would have never, in a million years, make her choose me over her children. I would have run far and fast if she’d ever brought up the fact that she’d choose me over her kids. Thus, the realizations were all in place.
The day came for marriage. Once we were married, the sex was great for most of the first year, and then I began to notice her empty promises were not being met. After a year of a marriage, our sex life went from heated passion to basically just sticking it in and getting it over with. The less time I spent inside of her, the happier she seemed to be. I always thought women wanted a man that could last more than a minute, but even 2 minutes was becoming too long for me to have it inside of her. “Are you finished yet?” or “I thought this was going to be quicker.” Comments that seemed to spring from her as I was doing my thing and inside of her.
Initially, I thought she was just going through a phase, but I soon realized just how much she loved me being a minute man. Far from the hours upon hours we used to spend hardcore fucking and passionately making love with each other. And thus, that began the start of our dwindling marriage, the destruction of intimacy, and the nonexistence of any type of romantic relationship. Even when I spent time wining and dining her, doing everything right, I was still allotted to just a minute or two inside of her, which meant that it was no longer worth my time to put the effort into my marriage, as regardless of how much I massaged her, kissed her entire body, or even lavished her with gifts, the result was always the same. Kissing would also soon no longer be allowed. And eventually, all sex positions, save for just two, the ones where she didn’t have to face me, and could be her laziest, would be restricted.
And I said something about it, to which she replied that it would get better and that she was just tired. This too, was another lie, and so I grew more distant, and rather than deal with the rejection of sex or the laziness of her lack of any type of intimacy towards me, or the excuses and lies for not having great sex, I began to withdraw and focus on other hobbies until they consumed me, as the promises of that great sex never seemed to be met. Even after I said something once again, she uttered the words, “Well, there are plenty of men out there who aren’t getting any at all. You should be grateful for what I give you.” Until one day, she asked me, “I am not happy with our marriage. I would like marriage counseling. Would you be willing to go for marriage counseling?”At this point, I could either save my marriage or choose not to. I chose not to. And here is the reason.
I asked her if marriage counseling could solve our intimacy problems. I asked her if marriage counseling would make her be in love with me like she was before, where any sexual position would be open to happen again. I asked her if marriage counseling would make her want to have passionate sex with me again. I asked her if marriage counseling would be the start to bringing back her own romance in the bedroom and leading up to it, as I had all but given up myself on romance, but would be more than willing to try again. I asked her if marriage counseling would make her open up to me again. I asked her if she would communicate with me more before we even decided to go to marriage counseling so we could talk about why she was unhappy with our marriage and why I was unhappy with our marriage. I asked her if marriage counseling would make her desire me again at all, like she once did. To which she basically replied to everything: “No.”
Marriage takes two people to work it out. Sex. Sexual connection. Sexual intimacy. Sexual romance. Sexual passion. Sexual desire. As the saying goes, “sex is not everything”, and there is a lot of truth in that statement, but sex is something. Sex with one woman for the rest of your life, while you agree not to try and pursue other women at all, in hopes that she will spread her legs and let you have your way with her, is important to men. It should be important to women, but lack of sex or lack of intimacy is one of the very first things to go in the relationship. It is easy for women to choose to go without sex and it is easy to pretend like sex isn’t important. But it matters to me. It matters to most men. It should matter to her. It should matter to women. If you want to save your relationship, than intimacy better be something that exists in your sex life. But for some reason, it doesn’t. In fact, she told me: “The only reason we are still having sex is because I know that you will be upset and mad if I don’t help you with your release.”
And she wants marriage counseling for what? There’s nothing to work on. There’s nothing to fix. There’s nothing to try and work through if her thoughts on sex are already not wanting it with me. Sex is magical. Sex is a couple sharing one of the most intimate and sacred acts that only a couple can share. Sex is not something you usually give to strangers. Sex is not something you share with your children. Sex is not something you even give to your parents every so often when you visit them. Sex is the sanctity of the relationship. When it loses its special bond, then what is the reason for saving a relationship? Sure, there is friendship. We can be friends. But then, we’re just holding on to each other out of fear of being alone. We could break up or even divorce and still be friends. We can still have sex as friends. So what then? Sometimes, it is far better to realize the toxicity in a relationship and end it.
So she wants marriage counseling. What would we work on? The fact that I don’t want to be her slave or servant? The fact that I do not want to manage her responsibilities that she chose to take on herself? The fact that she knows full well she takes advantage of me as a human being? When you withhold sexual intimacy from your man, he already longs to have the taste, touch, and caress of another woman. He wants the intimacy. He wants the passion. He wants the desire. He wants to know his penis is on your mind. He wants you to want him to have sex with you. He wants you to want him badly. And once you let him reach that point of knowing its not in the cards, the only thing you become good for is the little bit of sex you can offer, if any, and whatever friendship you may have remaining. So no, I don’t want marriage counseling. It would solve none of our problems and be a waste of my time and money for a relationship that already seems to be long past its prime with no hope for revival. She has offered me nothing if I agreed to go to marriage counseling.
She was mad at me for saying no to marriage counseling and I can only imagine how that feels for her. It is quite the same feelings I was feeling when I had to listen to her say no to everything I wanted to work on when I asked about a sexual intimacy, passionate desire, and a romantic relationship. She never stated what she wanted to work on and when I asked her about it, she refused to give any answer, stating that because I said no to marriage counseling, she did not need to give me an answer. Some things you can save, but it requires both parties to be on board. So she already gave me her only answer about working on our relationship: and I gave her mine. We had a good run. We’ve been together for over a decade. I have no regrets about starting a relationship with her or even getting married to her. She was the longest relationship I ever had. She taught me a lot about relationships and what I want and don’t want in a woman for my next relationship. The excitement for each other has gone. There is only so much I could have done to save our relationship, but without her desiring me for sexual intimacy and connection that will never be again, there is no reason for me to waste my time or hers anymore in this relationship.