Matthew Gates 3m 759 #poopatwork
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Pooping On Company Time
I’m not going to lie, I have done it before, many times, and I certainly took my time and enjoyed it. No one really wants to have to go at work, but sometimes, you just can’t help it, and when that call happens, you have to run to the bathroom and do your business. There is a slight difference though: pooping at home vs. pooping at work are both enjoyable, but pooping at work is pooping on company time, and pooping on company time, still shows up in your paycheck. Unless, of course, you work for a tyrannical boss like I had, who actually made you clock out before you went.
When I had to go poop at work, there was always a sense of satisfaction, and a smile on my face, even if I was able to just kill a few minutes. Pooping at work makes you feel like you are the master. Where else can you get paid to poop? If I could poop for a living and get paid to do it, even if I had an audience, I probably would. You get some form of privacy while pooping at work. Otherwise, pooping at home usually comes with an audience and no pay.
This must be payback for me watching Little Miss Piggy poop on our walks together. At least she does not have to clean up after me when I am done, little pooper. Don’t let her little size fool you!
No company wants to pay anyone to poop unless they are a research company studying that sort of thing, but try having an emergency, and having to login to a program, type your reason for “going on break”, and starting that counter until you get back. It was annoying and as much as I tried, most of the time, I did not even bother. Every time was an emergency for me. Besides, getting paid to poop on that particular boss’ time was so sweet and magical. I was always happy to take my time at that job. It seemed so much more enjoyable.
Don’t get me wrong, I try to use the bathroom before and after work, but there are those occasions where you just ate too many tacos, you stuffed your face with things that you probably should not have eaten, and most likely regret by now, and well, here’s an animated Family Guy visual:
Anyways, a lot of time is “wasted” at work and bosses and many companies have policies about pooping at work. Many accept the inevitable and anticipate that several minutes out of the week are going to be lost when people go poop at work, but those who have policies against pooping at work actually deduct time and money from the paycheck. It makes sense but it is probably the worst thing to do if companies actually have to go that far to make a policy for pooping at work.
Pooping is a natural process of life and is completely healthy. If you aren’t pooping, something is certainly wrong. Some people are able to control it more than others, able to alleviate themselves before leaving the house, while some are able to time it just as they get home. Unfortunately, for most of us, the whole process is automatic, and you may just have to go at random times, and when you have to go, it could be an emergency. For those that control it and still go on company time, kudos to you!
One time, I wore a shirt to work to express my successful accomplishment which made me happy. It was a shirt the entire office remembered, but I got in trouble with my bosses for wearing it. They did not really bring it up that day, but one of my reviews, that shirt was brought up from some people who apparently found it offensive. How could anyone find a natural act of nature offensive? Who wouldn’t want to wear a shirt that allows them to take pride in such a successful endeavor?
Now it is a wonder where you are actually reading this confession, and I’m not even going to bother asking you, but you are probably pooping at work right now, while reading this, aren’t you? Well, you just keep that to yourself. Catching up on some reading at work while pooping is the best, isn’t it? You are quite the professional! Good for you! Congratulations on pooping today!