Anna Walton http://www.longleat.co.uk 5m 1,136 #christmas
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
50 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When You Return To Work After Christmas
Getting back to work after a couple of weeks off for Christmas is more than just a little bit irritating. For many of us it can be downright depressing. There’s no quick fire cure for the back to work blues, so man up and get your groove on as you commute your way back to your job. Here’s some of the things we know you’ll be thinking on that first day back after the festivities.
1. Why is my alarm clock going off in the middle of the night?
No, it’s not sleepy time. It may be dark, it may be cold, but it’s still time to get up.
2. It’s literally minus thirty right now.
It’s probably actually about 10 degrees in your home. But tomorrow, try to remember to reset your heating to come on earlier, yes?
3. Where did I put my…
Socks? Briefcase? Paperwork? You name it, it’ll all have done a flit since you put it down just before Christmas.
4. Why are my trousers so tight?
Ahem. I think we all know the answer to that, don’t we Ms. Mince Pie Muncher?
5. What’s wrong with my hair?
Need we point out that many days of styling products, late nights and drool filled sleeping might just have caused your follicles to rebel a little bit?
6. This coffee tastes like…
Poop. Yes, we know. Somehow, that delightful morning pick me up has a very bitter edge to it when consumed in a hurry at 7am.
7. I hate this car.
Having shunned personal transport in favour of taxis for the bulk of the festive season, it’s doubtful your old faithful is going to want to start this morning.
8. Great. Now I’m late.
And have we got some breaking news for you… so is everyone else.
9. What are these drivers thinking?
Understand that literally everyone else on the road is as fuggy and disoriented as you are. The commute is not going to be fun.
10. Who nicked my parking place?
Yes, businesses do recruit over winter, and that jumped up intern probably just landed a permanent at your company, and that’s his A3 sitting in your usual spot right now.
11. What’s the code? Argh!
Security locks are designed to be awkward, and after a two week break its unlikely your brain will retrieve the right assortment of digits to let you into the building.
12. Where’s help when I need it?
Did you forget? You’re late, so everyone’s already inside the building. Don’t worry though, the intern will be along soon to smugly allow you access.
13. What? Where’s my desk?
Either you conveniently forgot where your 36 hour a week seat is, or those sneaky tricksters remodelled the office while you were doing Christmas.
14. The boss looks chirpy…
That’s because he’s still drunk.
15. Is Marjorie coming over? Oh please Marjorie, don’t come over.
She’s coming.
16. Why do I have to be the one to hear about her dog’s hernia?
Because you’re such a nice person. Of course.
17. I need more coffee.
Don’t do it. The stuff here tastes worse than yours at home.
18. What’s the password for my PC?
Here’s a clue. It’s probably P.A.S.S.W.O.R.D.
19. What do I do all day again?
Check emails. Watch cat videos. Check emails again. Just a guess.
20. Can I go home yet?
No. It’s 10am.
21. I truly hate staff meetings.
Yes, but its first day back and it’s important. Honest.
22. Why do I seem to be getting all the extra work?
They think you’re great. And they know you’re a sucker.
23. Wow. Jean’s put on weight.
Maybe. Or maybe she’s pregnant. Just keep your trap shut.
24. I’m tired.
It’s a tough task returning to work, especially if you’ve been keeping odd hours over the break. Just make sure you don’t….
25. Zzzzzzzz…
WAKE UP!
26. This is boring.
Yes, but you know what will make it less boring? Chocolate!
27. But my diet?
New Year’s Resolutions don’t have to start on exactly New Year’s Day. To the vending machine, stat.
28. Why are so many people watching me eat these Malteasers?
Because their resolutions did start on New Year’s Day.
29. I might get another packet. LOL.
See, told you this would help with the boredom.
30. I’m bored.
Post-Christmas blues can always be alleviated with a good old reminisce through Facebook photos
31. Everyone looked so different at the office party.
Yes. They were happy.
32. Hold on. Is that ME snogging Tim from HR?
No. It never was and didn’t happen. Just remember that.
33. Ha ha! The boss looks so drunk in this photo!
Yes.
34. Oh shoot. The boss is behind me, isn’t he?
Yes.
35. No I don’t want to ‘see you in your office for a chat.
But like the proverbial rat to the Pied Pipers flute, so you will go.
36. Phew. No dressing down today, just lots more work.
So you’re not bored any more. Right?
37. Can I go home yet?
Not yet. Just midday now.
38. Aaah, lunch break at last.
Sandwich or pub?
39. Staffroom or desk?
Wait… what? Pub of course.
40. I hate that jumped up intern, he’s bragging to my buddies in the staff room about his pay rise.
I guess that means desk then.
41. Going out to buy a baguette.
Great plan.
42. Dammit. The deli’s still closed for the festive break.
Hungry and depressed. Not a good day.
43. Can I go home yet?
Not long now.
44. Ah the newsagent’s open. Sticky sandwich it is then.
Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
45. Buying a lottery ticket. Maybe five.
Keep dreaming sunshine.
46. The boss is talking about ‘Corporate Team Building’. What even is that?
If you’re lucky, paintballing. If you’re unlucky, basket weaving.
47. Here comes Tim from HR. Does this mean I’m getting the sack?
Wouldn’t that be a blessing in disguise?
48. He hasn’t mentioned the party… should I say something?
No. Remember, it never happened.
49. Tim says I booked today off. But I’m already here. This is like non-school-uniform day all over again!
Oh.
50. Do I really have to do this all again tomorrow?
Yes. And the next day. And the next.
Joking aside, your first day back at work is unlikely to be a walk in the park, but give yourself some time to settle in, and you’ll be cruising just like you always do.
About the Author
Anna Walton is a Sales Manager at Longleat House, Safari & Adventure Park.
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