Anonymous 6m 1,516 #niceguy
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
How do I avoid the friend zone and “nice guy syndrome” when dating women?
I used to be the epitome of a “Nice Guy”.
I was friend zoned by the women I desired, quickly dumped by the women I dated, and held myself in such low self-esteem that I wondered if I would ever meet the woman of my dreams.
Eventually, I’d had enough of it.
I went on Amazon, purchased more than a dozen of the best selling dating, relationships, and masculinity books and set to work.
Over the next 18 months I devoted myself to mastering this area of my life and, in the end, I did.
Today, I am in a relationship with the woman of my dreams, I’ve dated dozens of the most beautiful women in my city, and enjoyed exciting and fulfilling relationships I previously thought impossible.
I did this by going from “Mr. Nice Guy” to a strong Grounded Man.
Here’s how I did it and how you can too…
1. Be on YOUR Path
One of the hallmark traits of a nice guy is that he lives and breathes to please others.
This might sound like a good thing… But it’s not.
A nice guy is so unsure of himself, so unconfident, and so lacking in internal purpose and drive that lives to make other people happy in hopes that they will like him.
He’ll go to college and sit through 8 years of Medical School to make his parents happy… Even though he wants to be an entrepreneur, musician, or fitness personality.
He’ll sit through movies he hates, go to dinners he dislikes, show up at parties he doesn’t care about… All in hopes of making those around him like him more.
If you want to kill the Nice Guy inside of you, the first step is to say “Screw you” to making other people happy and instead focus on dominating YOUR path.
I don’t care what your goals are, what you want to do, or who you want to be.
Be on your path. Make your own decisions. Be selfish (more on that later). And prioritize yourself above everyone else.
When you’re on your path and you’re clear in your purpose, women find this deeply attractive.
When you say “No” to dates, nights out with friends, or time with family because you have YOUR own life and your own goals that you are pursuing, not only will YOU be happier, but the people around you will benefit more.
What do you think your family really wants? For you to come to another lame dinner where everyone will be arguing about politics and asking you why you don’t have children yet?
Or for you to live a life of meaning and purpose on your terms so that you can help them do the same?
Own your path, do your own thing, and forget what other people want or think. This is your one life. So own it and stop letting other people control it. This is the first way you put the nice guy to bed.
2. Be Clear in Your Intentions
Nice guys don’t want to offend people or experience rejection. They want to make others like them. Because of this they will try to befriend a woman and lie about their intentions (i.e. their sexual desires) to try and manipulate her into liking and sleeping with him 6 months down the line.
Screw this! It never works and it will only damage the relationship.
To be a grounded man, you must be honest about your intentions. You must own your desires without guilt or shame. You must be yourself, speak your truth, and not give a f*ck if it makes other people happy or not.
If you’re into a girl, don’t be her friend. Be honest with her.
I’m not talking about being a creepy, “Hey girl, let’s go back to my place and see what happens” type of honesty. I simply mean clarity in your intentions.
For example, “You’re pretty cute, I think I like you but I’m worried you might be trouble”.
Don’t hide your intentions. Don’t lie about your desires. Own them, express them in a healthy way, and let the cards fall where they may.
3. Be Decisive
Because nice guys want to make others happy, they have a hard time making and sticking to decisions.
They think, “Well, this is what I really want, but Johnny or Joey might not want to do this so I’ll just keep quiet and let them decide.”
No one wants to sleep with or follow a weak and indecisive man.
You’ll often find that, by being more decisive, you actually empower others and make them feel safer and more confident.
Start small with this.
The next time a group of your friends is trying to make a decision, step up and say exactly what you want. If you’re watching Netflix with a date, don’t sit there and scroll for 2 hours, pick a movie or show and watch it. When you’re at a restaurant, find the first menu item that looks good and order it.
Make decisions quickly and without hesitation. Own your desires and be decisive, this is the hallmark of the Grounded Man.
4. Piss People Off
The one thing that all “Nice Guys” fundamentally misunderstand is that you CANNOT make everyone happy.
Everytime you make one person happy, you’ll piss 2–3 more people off.
So stop trying to make others happy and focus on making yourself happy.
If you’re talking with friends and someone shares a story that you know is bullshit, call them out on it. If someone shares a political belief you disagree with, share your thoughts. Speak up for yourself and don’t be afraid to make people angry.
More often than not, you’ll find that people respect you more for speaking your truth and going against the crowd than they would if you lied about your beliefs to make them happy.
You can’t make everyone happy, so don’t even try.
5. Adopt an Abundance Mentality
Nice guys are worried that *this* will be their last chance at a loving relationship. Grounded men know that there are billions of women in the world and tens of millions of women who would make great partners.
Never get caught up on one girl. Learn to adopt an abundance mentality and realize that YOU are the prize.
Your life won’t end if one girl rejects you or puts you in the friend zone.
Your life hasn’t changed in the slightest if you approach a woman and she tells you to “fuck off”.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
So stop getting upset when you can’t catch one of them.
6. Love Yourself More than Anyone Else (And Be Selfish as Hell)
YOU are the most important person in YOUR life.
Your parents, teachers, and peers told you to “be selfless” when you were growing up and to “live for others”.
You are SUPPOSED to be selfish. You are the most important person in your world and you are the only person who has to live with the decisions you make every single day.
So prioritize yourself first.
Say “no” when you want to. Speak your mind. Prioritize your self care, business/career, health and happiness above anyone else’s.
There’s this screwed up meme in society that selfishness is bad.
But let me ask you, if your purpose in life is to live for others, then what is their purpose?
Life only works when people focus on helping themselves FIRST and then focus on helping others.
You can’t give to others if your cup is empty.
So love yourself first and be selfish as hell. You deserve it.
7. Remember… She’s Just a Person
At the end of the day, Nice Guys’ biggest problem is that they see women as goddesses among mere mortals. They put women on a pedestal and think that, somehow, because she has a beautiful body, symmetrical face, and nice butt that she’s more worthy as a human being.
You know nothing about this woman. For all you know, she could be the most boring and annoying person you’ve ever met!
So stop putting women on a pedestal. They’re just people. They have bad days, get sick, fart, sleep in too late, worry about their careers and order late night pizzas just like you and me.
Treat her like a person and enter into the interaction thinking, “She seems cool, I hope I like HER” instead of, “OMG she’s so beautiful, I hope she likes ME”.
Stop giving your power away to women. Treat them like people. See beyond the physical beauty and into WHO they are.
Because that is how you build attraction and a healthy relationship.
Hope this helps.