Anonymous 2m 540
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Dear Facebook,
I love the way you have connected me with old friends from high school and I love the way you allow my friends to keep me up to date the with the weekends activities. Ever since I signed up for you I am no longer a social misfit but a prima donna in the world of drunken cottaging and the Queen of Underground Karaoke parties at the Bytown.
But Facebook, there are a few issues that we need to resolve in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
First of all, you allow people from high school that I’ve never even spoken to add me as their friend. I don’t know them other than the fact that we were apparently in the same homeroom together in grade 9 before I got the braces off. Its creepy that they remember the overalls and the plaid raincoat I was wearing the first day of high school. Please do not allow these people to seek me out.
Secondly Facebook you’ve now allowed not one, but TWO ex boyfriends to seek me out and attempt to add me as their “friend”. We are not friends. We broke up because one was banging groupies while touring with the Matthew Good Band and the other was nailing his boss in the Royal Oak’s beer room. These are not friends, these are men who couldn’t keep their dicks in their pants and I wish them nothing but the most degenerate venereal diseases whores like that can come by.
Facebook, I have also become addicted to you to the point where I display withdrawal symptoms if I am away from you for longer than a couple hours at a time. If I’m working I break out into a cold sweat wondering who’s added me, who’s messaged me and what party invites am I missing. If I go longer than a day without checking you I almost seizure. You are worse than heroin.
Facebook you have also gotten me into trouble by allowing me to log on completely shit faced to the point where I’ve spilled my poutine all over my laptop. As you already know, drunken Facebooking is considerably worse than drunk dialing. I can deny calling people on purpose when I’m loaded I cannot however deny writing self sabotaging messages on people’s walls and telling a booty call how much I enjoyed his throbbing cock last week on his comment page. Please do not let me log onto you when I am this drunk, clearly I’m not thinking properly and the Jager-demon has possessed my body / mind.
As well Facebook please stop with the fortune cookies, hugs, smilies, horoscopes, “which family guy character are you” quizzes and other inane bullshit that I must weed through every time I log on. Seriously, its annoying and it must stop.
Now Facebook, I’m not trying to bring you down, I do love you, I just think we need to communicate with each other to remedy these particular issues. Especially the drunk one, Sara is still not talking to me. If we can set aside our differences you’ll see that we are a match made in virtual Heaven.
Hugs
Me
Original Source: best of craigslist: Facebook: I Love to Hate You
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