Anonymous 9m 1,421 #lovecareer
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
In a world of choices, where two things matter most: love and money. Often times, we might get the two confused and change it to “love of money”. There are many sayings about which to choose, and most times, it ends up being that we choose love over money, at least, in romance novels and movies. A movie called “The Family Man” with Nicholas Cage got to see what it was like to live a life where he chose only his business and become selfish.
Nicholas Cage, to be honest, seemed as equally happy, if not happier, being the single man who had it all, except a wife and kids to share it with, while his other ego, which was married with children and had a decent business. It wasn’t making millions, but it was making enough to afford him a very good living for him and his family.
While either side dreams about the other, we are never actually happy where it is we are at. I chose a career and something like love over going after the love of my life and I barely knew what I was doing, because something blinded me to her for so many years. It seemed the more I chased the love of my life, the more I could barely notice her anymore, even with her right in front of me. I don’t understand what power did this or what prevented me from just being myself in front of her, but I really knew… being with her, looking at her, and listening to her… she was the one.
And on the other side, I didn’t want to be the one because I knew she would end up hating me… and in a way, that all came true. Had I just been her one… then… she would be mine now. Unfortunately, it was always fated that she would hate me without realizing it. She is a sweetheart and kind but there is something about her that wants her to call me on my bullshit. Instead of me asking her out and annoying her to the point where maybe, just maybe she might give me a chance, multiple, and she, in fact, did give me a chance, and I took advantage of it by not taking advantage of it at all, thinking we would see each other again. Instead, I got busy and forgot to ask her out again and again and again.
And again. And again. Until years went by.. and finally, the opportunity arose again, and I still lost her, again. Maybe by internal forces. Maybe by external forces. Maybe a mixture of anxiety, depression, and doubt, and the combination was enough to prevent me from being with my one. I was blinded by her, walked away from her, never told her I wanted to see her again because her very presence IS THE ONLY PRESENCE IN THE WORLD that gave me superpowers beyond belief. Superpowers that would be dangerous if I was to be hers and she was to be mine. Never told her that I was in love with her, though I did let her know I loved her, just because she was her, the one. And years went by.. and here I am, offered the opportunity of a lifetime: to work in her town, where I could finally see her again.
I let her know I’d be in the area, working, and that I might need a place to stay for a few days, and she had her parents help me. What more trust than that? My crush, the love of my life, the woman I would do anything for to allow me into her home? Either this was just her kind nature, or maybe, this was the woman who trusted me and loved me, and the one who I wanted to call my wife. And yet, at the time I didn’t know it. I didn’t know love or marriage, and what it meant. I didn’t take myself or her seriously, and I thought of us just friends. Friends… was never possible with her because I loved her too much and needed intimacy on every level with her.
And yet… as I got more involved in my job, my career, my work… I lost sight of her again. Instead, I met and started dating someone else because they got along with me and we worked together. Things were just easy as she had my back and I had her back. This new lady was wonderful, great, and lovely. She was all the things my crush was not, and yet she was not the one. I knew it. I wanted her to be the one. I tried to make it work, only to realize that I could love her, but I couldn’t give her the love she really wanted or needed, because I could never fully be hers.
However, she did tell me I was her one. What world she was fantasizing about I didn’t know, but I was never her one and never felt it, and I hated myself for it. Every day, I hated myself for it. I lied to her and I never meant to hurt her. I was just trying to get back home. But I did love her. And I knew she needed me as much as I need her.
I pretended to be her one because it protected my job, my career, my life, and kept me in an amazing comfort zone, though it didn’t do wonders for my money, as she was not very good at saving it, at least at the time. And so, I suffered in silence for a long time. It is not that I didn’t have some money put away, but not enough to vacation often enough, which was my dream. Being the “too nice” guy I am, I would destroy myself.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially not the women who would play the biggest roles in my life, including the one who was barely present in it. I never wanted to make her cry, and if I risk it all by breaking her heart, losing my job, and losing her, then I would lose everything that makes me what I am and who I have been for the past decade. She has helped me to become who I am. I owe her my life, yet, my life became her life and not my own. I gave up the girl of my dreams for her, only to realize: I made the mistake in choosing my love of career, even if it meant choosing a certain type of love as well.
This is not to say she didn’t woo me and I didn’t fall in love with her for a short time, but the first time I fell out of love is when I should have left so that she could have lived her life without me, and I could have figured out mine. Her life has been made possible by mine as well, making us very similar to symbiotic organisms, in which she became the one I relied on to help me and she came to rely on me to help her. It worked for a very long time and yet, I wish it didn’t work at all. And the only way I could change it is to change it all, which would likely be my inevitable downfall. At least, as I write this, that is what it feels like.
Since our world is changing and life is not getting any easier, we have severe competition, especially as we get older. While I am a survivor, I have grown older, and the only wisdom I have is the fact that I can either take a risk and lose it all, in order for a possible chance to allow us to find our happiness — or risk nothing, and everything stays as it mostly is, at least for now, which ultimately lead my unhappiness and hers. In losing it all, I have already lost my opportunity to be with my one. And even in leaving the one who might not be the one, I am her one, and the only way right now to have a one is to make her my one or spend years searching again for the one, for which I know, is only my original one, the one who I have thought about every day for the past decade and for the rest of my life.