Matthew Gates 15m 3,678 #worsttimetopoop
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
When You Really Have To Poop
As the saying goes, no matter what your job is or what you do, there’s [usually] always an asshole for a boss and the same goes for your body too. When it is time to go, it is time to go, and your ass has the final say, and there is nothing you can do about it. You can think of nothing else. You can do nothing else. It causes the utmost pain, extreme discomfort, and nothing else matters during the time that you have to go. The digestive system is as extreme as death, as it is not forgiving and it does not care who you are, how rich you are, how poor you are, what position you hold, how much money you make or how much money you made this year, how good your health is, or how poor your health is, nor does it care where you are, or what you are doing. All it cares about is eliminating what it does not need inside of your body. Fortunately for a great majority of human beings, they have enough control over their sphincter muscles enough to be able to hold it in, keep it under control, or contain their bowels long enough until they can make it to the proper facility to eliminate this waste.
Sometimes, however, and it happens to the best of us (all of us), no matter how much we try, no matter how many times we learn from the past and we try to eliminate waste from our systems before we even leave the house, there are times when we find ourselves in situations where we are stuck having to hold it in, negotiate with the powers that be (or God), hold someone’s hand, or simply relax our minds and anxiety long enough so that we can make it through the moments and get to a bathroom. In the past, I have talked about bathroom secrets before, as the bathroom is the place that very few people want to talk about and rarely ever bring up, but we all go through these things, and it really needs to be spoken about. If you read my previous article, you know I am no stranger nor shy to talk about bathroom habits or using the bathroom. This confession is no different and it definitely is not something that needs resolution, but something that simply needs addressing and understanding.
If you own a pet, you have already seen it, and there are times when it just happens. Your pet has held it in for as long as they could. You were stuck at work and you could not get home, and unfortunately, they pooped on the carpet or the floor right by the door and when you got home, you discovered it. The last thing you really want to do is get mad at a pet for doing it. They really had to go, so you should do your best and not get mad. If your pet is potty trained, with all good intentions, they really did try to hold it in, but could not, so please understand that you have probably found yourself in the same exact situation. Sympathize with your pet. Unless they are repeatedly doing it and there are deeper issues that need more professional help, forgive your pet.
But now let’s explore some of these situations that we find ourselves in, as humans, when the stomach pains come, we start to have insane gas, and we really have to poop, and unfortunately, it is just not the most opportune time to actually do it, so you find yourself having to hold it in and pleading with your own digestive system, for which you are at the mercy of, that you can hold it in long enough and make it to a bathroom.
Work
You try and go before work or during your lunch break, but your digestive system ultimately decides your fate. Sometimes, you are just sitting at work, and then the pain comes. While you don’t mind using the bathroom at work, there are some days where you find yourself needing to go home to do your business. This is a courtesy to the entire staff. Whether you know it is already not going to be good or you are really sick, there are times when your own bathroom is much more ideal than the bathroom at work. Yes, the boss may not understand it, your co-workers may not understand it, but dammit, there are those days when you need to go home to massacre your toilet where no one can hear you scream!
Meeting at Work
You knew about the meeting in advance. You were prepared for it. You felt good about the meeting itself. Everything was fine. Once the meeting began though, the stomach pains started, along with the silent gas, and now you really have to go. How do you escape the meeting without seeming like someone who does not care about how important this meeting is? I have found myself in several, often pointless meetings, thinking more about making it to the bathroom than what was being talked about in the meeting. Every time, I have been able to make it through the meeting, but found myself running for that bathroom the second that meeting ended.
Class
Whether you are just stuck in class during an important lesson or you are taking an important timed test, now is not really the time to leave, because you might miss something or you can’t just leave without everyone noticing, especially the teacher. If you are in high school or lower, this is a huge deal because you need a hall pass to actually leave, and your teacher might tell you no. One time, it was during final exams and the teacher said no one was allowed to use the bathroom, no excuses allowed. I had to fill out as many exam questions as possible, I managed to get through the test, and somehow managed to pass it too, but after the test, I had gotten up and said to her, “If you don’t let me leave right now, write me a pass to use the bathroom, something is going to happen, and its going to be embarrassing for me and you.” She wrote me a pass to the bathroom and didn’t question it any further than that.
If you are in college, you can get away with leaving much easier, but there are still those times when you are in an important lesson, or especially those times during midterms or final exams when you have to complete the exams before you are allowed to leave. At the worst time, your digestive system decides it is time to go right now!
Airplane
No one wants to poop on a plane. Honestly, there is really no room in there. You are crammed into a toilet that has probably had a tends of thousand other asses sit on it in the past month and now you are stuck putting your ass on it? Damn. The other day, I found myself stuck on a plane, and my stomach began to rumble and I had some gas pains. Thinking I would be okay and it was nothing, I decided to ignore it. Boy, was I wrong. As the plane started to land, for which there was 10 – 15 minutes left and everyone had to remain in their seats, I was stuck in intensive pain, miserable as ever. I attempted to go to the back of the plane, where I could do my business, but the stewardess would not move from her position, which was right in front of the bathroom. She literally blocked me from using the bathroom. So I sat down and waited patiently, silently pleading for dear life and the powers that be, that I would be able to get through this. Fortunately, the plane eventually landed, and while it took everyone forever and a day to get off, I ran to the bathroom in the airport and made it!
Movies
You honestly thought movie popcorn was a good idea. Your stomach did not. You paid too much for the movie and you really don’t want to miss it, but unfortunately, you might just have to miss some of the most important scenes of the movie. Or you could stop eating popcorn or you could try to hold it in. It happened to me as a child, when I went to see The Lion King. That would be the last time I had ever eaten movie popcorn. Luckily, I’ve been able to hold it in ever since when I have found myself having to go, but there is just something about movie popcorn that forces your asshole to become a real asshole.
Concert
Good music. Good people. Good times. But right now, you have to poop. Unfortunately, the bathrooms are filthy, or worse, the only bathrooms at the concert are porta-potties. Rarely have I ever seen a “clean porta-potty”, and rarely have I ever wanted to take the risk of sitting in one. I have seen too many horror movies to know better. The horror movie in real life might not have a physical being with a machete, but more like a microscopic entity that could be worse. Peeing in a porta-potty? No big deal. Pooping in one? They could make a whole horror movie about porta-potties and I would be scared.
Church
Nothing seems more disrespectful to God than having to poop while the Pastor or Priest or Rabbi is talking. If you get up, everyone will see you. If you go somewhere, everyone will wonder where you went and what you are doing. If you are gone too long, everyone will wonder where you went. Might just come clean and let it out. After all, confession is a good thing right? May as well confess that you have to poop at this very moment.
Job Interview
First impressions are lasting impressions, but I have certainly been in a job interview, during the interview and had the gas pains come on. Maybe it was brought upon by nervousness and anxiety, but I really had to go. As I said earlier, when that moment hits: Nothing else is on your mind. So when I was being asked questions, I was just saying anything and everything to make the interview go by quicker. I probably have no idea what I ended up saying, but I had to get out of there because if I did not, my first impression would have been a lasting impression, and not a good one. I never did get that job, but hey, at least they did not have a lasting story to tell, except maybe for the fact that I let out a few silent but deadly farts.
Rush Hour Traffic
If you live in California, you are no stranger to the stop, slow, optimistic, pessimistic, “just kidding, we’re not really going anywhere, go to hell” traffic. Chicago. New York. New Jersey. Definitely similar traffic patterns. If you live anywhere really, you know all about when that moment hits, and you are stuck in traffic, or there are just too many traffic lights on your way home. Not to embarrass my dad, but I remember as a child, one day he came up and stunk like he stepped in shit. It was certainly not from the dog, but he later recanted the story that as soon as he left work, it hit him. Not only did he get stuck in traffic coming home from New York and going into New Jersey, but he was about three traffic lights from being home, and he just could not do it anymore. His sphincter gave out and he had to go. My poor father. Of course, this would definitely not be his first nor his last time doing something like that. Luckily, I have always made it home, but I have had moments where I could not make it home and had to stop at a store on my way home or from somewhere.
On a side note, I was on my way home on my bicycle on the bike path in Chicago, and unfortunately, I could not make it home from work. Karma did end up getting the best of me.
Out Jogging, Exercising
Back in my younger days when I jogged for fun, I had thought it would be a great idea to run a 2 1/2-mile road to hopefully run off a stomach virus. I had just bought new shoes that were extremely comfortable, so I figured, why not? I had managed to run nearly 2 1/2 miles, passing a porta-potty on the way, ignoring it completely about a mile back, and I was just about 5 blocks from my house. Unfortunately, the moment hit me, and I was done. I had to sit down and I ended up sitting for almost 10, maybe 15 minutes on the curb until my stomach settled and was calm again. I stood up and was confident I was going to make it home, so I decided to start jogging again. All of a sudden, it all came at once. Down my leg, on my new shoes, on the road. It was disgusting. I ended up running home, smelling awful, running inside, and directly into the shower, with my clothes on, with my new shoes on, everything. My brother came running in and asked me what that horrible smell was. He laughed but felt my pain.
Hiking
When I lived in Israel, I and a large group of people went on a three day hiking trip. In all, there were at least 50 – 75 people on this hiking trip. Out in the wilderness of desert with no bathroom in the course of those three days. Of course, we packed for it, so there was some food, water, and even some toilet paper. For the most part, everyone was mostly good and our digestive systems behaved pretty well. On the final day, the last stretch, about a 3-mile hike, with everyone all scattered about trying to get through the woods, I really had to go but I did not want to stop because it was a trail we were all following down a huge mountain with many people on it.
After walking and just pleading with any higher power that would listen to me, I managed to calm my anxiety and I was able to pee in a bush which helped me a lot. I was able to walk the remainder of the way without much gaseous pain, though I still had the urge to go, it was much more controllable. I, along with many other people, had reached the buses, and we all took a nap. When we awoke, we were dropped off at an awesome water park, with a bathroom, and about a half dozen stalls in the men’s room. I, along with many others went right in, and sat down on our toilets, knowing everyone had to go bad and doing their business, but no one really wanted to take the time out to poop on a mountain. It was one after the other going into a stall, coming out, going in, coming out. Everyone that had to go waiting as patiently as they possibly could, and eventually, we all made it, and afterwards, went about the day as normal once again.
It is not that no one would have gone and taken a shit in the woods or on the mountain. It was more of the fact that a toilet was probably preferred by everyone. If it had come down to it and there was an emergency, I am sure many of us would have opted to do our business where we had to do it, but fortunately, most of us were able to hold it in until the time came.
Sports
You invited all your friends over. They brought some good stuff. You also bought some good stuff. Chicken wings. Burritos. Tacos. Pizza. Potato chips. Cheetos. Dip. Beer. And a ton more stuff that you will probably regret tomorrow. But for now, the game is on! And that is the most important thing ever. Unfortunately, the chemical reaction of the burrito, chicken wings, taco, beer, and whatever else you decided was a good idea for your stomach was not so much a good idea. The game is still on, some of the most important moments are happening right now in this game, and you find yourself stuck between making the decision of losing the moment, or losing your shit, literally. Tough call. But at least you have a change of underwear and pants in the other room.
Delivery Room
There is that special moment in everyone’s life, where a beautiful baby is born, the result and creation of two people who got together and made love. Nine months of some serious lessons and preparing to be a parent. The wait is intense. Nine months is a long time for something to be cooking in the oven. But the patience pays off. Unfortunately, your nervousness and excitement might hit you all at once and you might have to go. This moment happens only once for every baby that is born. There is no second time unless you actually record it. Although I’m not a parent and this has never happened to me, I can foresee it having happened to at least someone in this world, having to had to go to the bathroom right at that moment the baby was coming, and there was no stopping either moment.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, there have been many stories of women pushing to get that baby out, pushing for dear life, dying from every sharp pain, hoping to hold their baby soon enough, but instead? Yup, poop in front of the doctor, the nurse, the man responsible for doing this to her; usually leads to some embarrassment, but luckily, it’s almost never a one-off story. If the nurses and doctors have stories to tell, this would probably be a more common story than you might think.
Dressing Up or Halloween
There are those times where you get dressed up or you get into some kind of costume, probably for Halloween. While the costume or dress might allow you to pee, it is much harder to poop, but unfortunately, you find yourself having to do just that. So off comes the dress, off comes the costume, and all the hard work, even if it was just 10 minutes to prepare the Halloween costume, it is still time that was undone due to your digestive system, yet again being controlled by an asshole.
Special Events
There are definitely special events that happen all the time in our lives where we must be present. Whether you are getting married, you are giving a speech, or are in the spotlight, for whatever reason. You need to be present. Your digestive system, however, lets you know who is the boss. It begins with the stomach pains, then the gas, then the intestinal pains, until you really cannot hold it in any longer, and you have to bend to the will, and find a place for relief. Unfortunately, before you can do that, you must get through whatever you are doing and it might be a process. In this case, the struggle is real, and you are not only trying to get through your daily external life, but you also have to make it through and battle with the internal as well.
No matter how much you prepare for it, no matter how much you plan, no matter how much you say it will never happen again, it always does, and it always will. It is what happens as a human being. Everything that is alive and everything that consumes energy also has to expel that energy, therefore it must poop eventually. For most creatures, most of them rarely worry about holding it in, though most try to make it to some designated area. For example, many animals will likely not go to the bathroom and then eat or sleep around it. It seems it is instinctual in all living creatures to actually want to get away from our own feces. All animals have a sphincter muscle that gives them the ability to control and hold their poop in for a temporary time. The exception to this is that creatures, although they do have a sphincter, have very little control over their poop.
Just some speculation, but of all creatures on Earth, humans are probably the most well-adapted to exercising their sphincter and being able to hold it in the longest. Unfortunately, we are only given a temporary time to do this, and it is never guaranteed that we can even hold it in for a temporary time every time. In cases where we are healthy, we may have more control, but when we are ill, we might actually have less control over our sphincters. Sometimes, there those silent gaseous moments that aren’t so gaseous at all. The older we get, the less control we actually have over that muscle and our digestive systems.
In life, there are just going to be those moments when and where we have to go to the bathroom and there is nothing that can stop anyone. The only thing that makes us human is the fact that we actually have some ability to control it and we do make all efforts to find a place to release it and take care of our business. In my case, I can normally hold it in pretty well, but when I say, I have to go now, get out of my way! This confession was probably just as embarrassing for me to write as it was for you to read, but it is something we all go through and remains part of the struggle we face in everyday life.
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