From your receptionist (Otherwise known as office bitch)

Anonymous 7m 1,747

The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.

First of all, I have been here for over three years now. I know what I am doing. I do not need you to tell me how to use the phone system. The phone system sucks by the way. It is outdated and can not do all kinds of nifty things that brand new phone systems can do. This means you can not bitch at me when a call gets dropped, or when your voice mail box is full and you can’t get into it from the outside. It is FULL, obviously it will not let you in. If you care that much, then buy me a new phone system with the proper voice mail capacity and we will both be much happier campers.

My job is to sit at the front desk from 8 am to 5 pm every day. Sometimes I get the miraculous luxury of leaving a half hour early or so. When I leave early I lock the door behind me. If you are expecting someone at 5 pm for an appointment it is your duty to tell me so. As I do not set appointments for any of you, I will not know you have a 5-er unless you tell me you do. Even when I stay until 5, I really only stay until about 4:55 anyway, so if you have a 5-er, let’s just assume it best for you to tell me so that I do not lock them out before they arrive. I don’t mind staying, I know it is my job to stay, but every single one of you leaves early any chance you get, so do not expect me to stay one single second past 5 unless it has been specifically pre-arranged.

Which brings me to another point. I have a life. I have a life outside of this godforsaken office that I am trapped in for 9 hours a day. If we incude the 7.5 hours I like for sleep and 1.5 hours for working out, that only leaves me 6 hours a day in which I can live my life, have fun, fulfill obligations, pay bills, run errands, watch tv, clean my house, and hopefully meet friends for alcohol to try and forget this place for a little while. Yes, I know that once I graduate with some fancy piece of paper and start my own office I can work the hours I like, but I just want you to be aware that while you’re out gallavanting at coffee shops and the gym and shopping at Crate and Barrell on your three hour lunch, I am here answering your calls from people you haven’t called back in a zillion days because you’re too busy taking three hour lunches to return their calls. Maybe I’ll just start telling them that you are so busy taking a three hour lunch that you just do not have time to do the work they are paying you to do.

Speaking of taking calls from annoying people; this takes up a whole lot of my day. I’ve got spouses calling over and over again. I tell them you are on the phone, but they still call every 17 seconds to see if you’re off the phone yet. I’ve got people calling for other people who have not worked here in years. I tell them that said person has not worked here for years, in which the caller inevitably asks “do you have a new number for them?” NO! I do not have a new number for them. I have worked here for three years. In that time many other people have come and gone. It is not my duty to remain every person who has every worked here’s receptionist. Unless I became friends with the person who worked here and still see them from time to time, I will not have their new number. If it is so important for you to get a hold of them, you should have updated your stupid contact info three years or more ago when they changed numbers from this one. Other annoying callers include the “will you just tell him I called?” No. I have 12 people I answer the phone for many many times a day. I can take a message if you ask very nicely and stick it in the box up front where the person may check like once a week or so. If it is so urgent and you need to talk to them, either take their voice mail like I offered you ten seconds ago, or don’t expect to hear back from them till next week.

Also, I will not interrupt a meeting, just “knock on their door really quick” and let them know it’s you, interrupt their current phone call, stick a note under their nose or any such other annoying idea you come up with. Unless and only unless they have specifically given me your name and said “If so and so calls, please interrupt me.” If they have not given me that specification, there will be no interrupting, and the only thing you will get by being pushy is a pissed off receptionist. And, we remember voices of annoying ass bastards, so once you piss the gatekeeper off, it’s pretty much over for you.

Now that I am finished bitching out the stupid callers, let’s get back to office matters, shall we? Do not move my stamp, steal my pens, borrow my scissors or stapler, move things on my desk, or reposition my phone. If you happen to borrow something while I’m not here, put it back. I am almost detective-like in my “area” and can tell immediately in the morning if something has been touched. I will then wander through the entire suite and yes, into your office space as well, looking for my stuff. If I find it, I will take it back. Get over it. Also, don’t leave notes outside of my inbox as though yours is the most important. I come in and arrange everything and prioritize my day. Unless your note contains a true emergency it will go in the stack in order of importance, just like everyone else’s, so I don’t want to hear that “did you get my note this morning” bullshit. Yeah, I got it, and it is obligation # 27 out of 50 I have today, so wait your damn turn.

Be nice to the equipment. You slamming the top of the copy machine will not make it work any better contrary to popular belief around here. Also, yes I CAN get the jam out of the fax machine, so don’t ask me to with a big ol attitude like I caused it or something. If the toner is out, let me know. It’s my job to put another cartridge in. It is NOT my job to clean up black powder all over the counter and floor when you try it and don’t know what the hell you’re doing. Also to the super neurotic freak lady: You standing around pushing buttons and freaking out being in my way and talking about things you know nothing about will not help me to find that random staple in the feeder and fix the copier jam any faster. Get the fuck out tha way and let me do my thang.

My final gripe of the day is the kitchen. Oh good lord the freakin’ kitchen. We have one fridge. For lots of people. On Monday I had to dump out an un-opened half gallon of milk that was dated a month ago. Luckily it didn’t smell too bad yet, but I just don’t understand how you people can not keep track of your food. If it is past the expiration date, then throw it out. I swear one of these days I am just going to throw everything out and then you bastards will all have to start over in collecting your funky-ass science experiments. Another note about the fridge… I have worked here, as I said, for over three years. I have my little “spot” in the fridge where I keep my yogurt, juice and lunches. It takes up a small space. Stop MOVING my stuff around. I don’t want my leftovers from dinner last night that I am eating for lunch today anywhere near your leftovers from two weeks ago. My leftovers could catch a disease from that proximity to yours. By they way, dude who constantly drinks pop and ice? You drop ice cubes on the floor all the time. You never pick them up. They then melt and leave a puddle on the floor. One of these days I am going to go in there and slip in your stupid ice puddle and break something. If I break something of MINE then I will surely crawl into your office and break something of YOURS, so stop dropping shit and not picking it up. Do you behave the same at home? If so I am surprised you’re still married. Besides you should stop drinking all that pop. It is surely contributing to your rotten mouth which ranks up the office with your funk breath. I am not kidding, I have been in the hall OUTSIDE your office and can smell the rankness eminating. Disgusting.

Since I am office bitch, it is my duty to take the garbage outside. (I really should be able to wear jeans and t-shirts to work if I am going to be garbage bitch instead of these nice clothes you expect me to wear. A side point being that you really should pay me more since I have to buy one wardrobe for work and one for home but I digress…) I am definitely not washing the rotten mold funk that is growing in the bottom of the cans. I lift the bags out of the cans and throw them away. If the kitchen stinks because of the funk and the stench is bothering you then YOU clean the cans out. I do not get paid enough to deal with that nastiness.

As I have surely gone on quite long enough, I will stop now. There are plenty more office annoyances but I really don’t want to get personal with each one of you, though I could. Let’s just keep it fairly general for now, and get to the point. I like all of you for the most part, but stop being retarded.

Thank you.