Anonymous 8m 1,922
The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Have you ever wondered, in your thoughts: when your partner fantasizes, who he or she is thinking of? Every partner fantasizes about others. And sometimes those internal thoughts graduate to external actions… perhaps subtle actions like putting oneself in more public settings that could lead to something.
This leads to the horror (and it is a horror) when your partner surrenders to the aroused grip of another. Once that happens, you lose control, because your partner is no longer yours. He or she mentally and physically surrenders to the new lover. Then you lose that person. It is all too painful, next to death, and a person hits his lowest low when his married spouse sleeps with another. It’s even lower than bankruptcy.
If you have gone through the heartache of your spouse sleeping with another, you can find comfort and strength in the story I’m about to tell you. If you have not gone through the pain, and I hope you haven’t, you will learn how to avoid it and how to never worry about it again by the following true story:
Without a clue, I was heading toward my lowest low. My first wife became pregnant, from me. What a wonderful day! The next thing I know, she went out and got an abortion. Soon after that, she not only slept with another man… but she soon became pregnant from him!
Imagine my state of mind after this. He was a big, hunky guy well over six feet tall. I’m a small guy, well below six feet.
Moreover, my business was falling apart, the IRS tearing it from limb to limb, among other things. But I could not think about my business or anything else. My mind kept wandering to my wife in bed with another man! I just couldn’t believe it.
The pain was so bad that I got a headache from hell. Just thinking about that headache today raises fear in me. My head hurts so badly that I could not sleep… and when I did doze off, the pain kept throbbing in my sleep. I dreamed that my head was in a vice, and something was being twisted deeper and deeper into my eyes sockets… until I woke up, sweating.
I was nauseous and throwing up from the pain. I went to a doctor, and he had me get a CAT scan, but there was nothing physically wrong. The doctor asked me if I was experiencing any stress in my personal life. All I could manage to say was, “Yes.”
That’s when he told me I had an acute stress-related headache. I guess the tension in the muscles cut off the circulation of the capillaries around the brain. I was so emotionally paralyzed that I was unable to act on anything. My business really fell apart.
As I went broke, I really didn’t care. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my wife… with another man. It was torture to think about it, but I couldn’t stop. I also couldn’t eat. I had always been just the right weight, but I got very skinny and lost 30 pounds. All I wanted was to get her back. But, as I said before, I had no influence over her whatsoever.
As all ex-partners in her situation, she turned control over to her new lover.
Every day I hoped and prayed we’d get back together. I’d fantasize all day long that she’d not find happiness with her new lover and would come back to me. The more I wanted her back, the further she slipped away. First, there were the divorce papers. Then, there was her wedding.
And the most painful of all, while I was still hopelessly lost in pain, ten months later, she was having her baby boy – her first child – with her new husband.
I thought signing the divorce papers was tough. I thought her wedding day was tough. But the day she had her first child – by another man – was the toughest.
Sounds pretty bad, right? That’ll never happen to you, right? I wish I could tell you, “Right.” But I can’t.
Listen, I would have, even my first wife would have said that a split could not ever happen to us.
We were in love – both of us! But it happened. Shit happens.
If you’ve been through this, then you’re relating to my story. If not, than I hope you can learn from my pain so this never happens to you.
Anyway, I really hit rock bottom. The day my ex-wife had her baby boy, I called my brother long distance… just to talk to someone. I was trying to watch a basketball game on television, but I kept picturing my ex-wife and her husband in the delivery room. (Unfortunately, because we worked in the same close-knit industry, I still would hear about what was going on in her life by well meaning associates, which I must say made it a lot harder.)
So, my brother and I were just talking about some little things when, suddenly, embarrassingly, I started crying. He’d never seen or heard me cry before. (I’m the big brother and was a tough guy growing up.)
He couldn’t believe his ears. And he had no idea why I was crying. Not knowing what to do, I hung up the phone. Well, what happened next changed my life. This was when I would discover my younger brother’s sensitivity, maturity, and loving feelings for me. He told me to clear my mind, think positively, stay focused on my own life, and not let anything bother me to the point where it affected me so much that it would cause destruction in my life, and that life has a plan and it would all work out for me.
Three or four minutes after I hung, the phone rang. I could barely say, “Hello.” Remember, my ex-wife, the love of my life, was in the hospital giving birth.
My brother was on the other end and said I didn’t have to say a word. He went on and on about the magic of being and staying positive. As he did, I felt a transformation happen to me: my posture straightened up, my breathing got easier, my mind became focused… and for the first time in almost a year, I felt like a man again.
Images of my ex-wife cradling her first born left my mind and I felt strong and independent. I asked him why he hadn’t told me about this simple advice before. His answer was strange but I accepted his answer. “You have to be ready to control the power of being positive and understand it. Stay positive and things will work themselves out.”
First let me tell you: my ex-wife called me two days after giving birth to tell me about her son. (Oh yes, ex-spouses tend to put the hurt in their former lovers this way.) But, my strength surprised me… and her.
“Congratulations,” I said with a genuine smile on my face. “Your life is with your son and husband now. I wish you all the happiness and it sounds like you’re off to a beautiful beginning. Thank you for calling me.”
Let me tell you, that just automatically came out of my mouth, without me even thinking about it. Moreover, I realized I was happy. I was not playing any games or putting on a happy face while crying inside. I was just happy… and ready to move on.
My ex-wife sounded a little unsettled. She immediately started asking me if I had found someone new, which I had not. When I told her I had not found anyone, she seemed relieved. I think my yearning for her gave her some sense of security before. But no longer would she have this. I was moving on.
Being positive and thinking that way helps men and women to be strong and it is that very strength potential lovers are drawn to and do not want to let go of.
My ex-wife took a trip to see me for a day three weeks later. She made some excuse about some business she was in town for. But I knew she was there for me. She called and asked to see me. That night, she said she was very confused. She was having powerful feelings for me again and she wanted me to tell her what to do. Before I could answer, she grabbed me and gave me a long, passionate kiss. She desperately wanted me to make love to her.
A few weeks before, this would have been a godsend, a miracle. This was everything I had dreamed of, begged for, prayed for every day and night over and over again ever since she left me. I would have given up everything for this moment. So, imagine the shock I felt inside when I automatically said, without thinking about it: “Go back to your husband and son. They need you. They love you. I don’t.”
I was in shock. It was like my brain was in total control of everything I said and did.
Two weeks later, she called me and told me she was going through a very hard time. She told me it was depression. She actually begged to come back to me. Remember, she had a five-week-old infant at home with a loving husband planning to spend the rest of his life with her. This should have been the happiest time of her life.
For the first time, I actually felt sorry for her. I took pity on her and automatically said, without even thinking about it, as gently as I could: “We had a wonderful life together, but things have changed. I’ll be here whenever you want to call me, or even come see me, but we must both move on. We can always be friends, but we will never be lovers again.”
Then she started crying and was convinced that I had found someone else. I told her that wasn’t so.
Actually, four other wonderful ladies had developed a real interest in me during the five weeks since I heard my brother’s wonderful and simple advice. Now the biggest “problem” in my life was trying to decide who would be best for me.
I decided to be completely open with all of them. The competitive drive to be mine went berserk. These beautiful women devoted themselves to me like nothing I had experienced before.
Fast-forward a few months: my little fledgling business started to progress and I was successful and I’m on good terms with the IRS.
After several rejections on my part, my ex-wife finally accepted she would never get me back and I eventually married a beautiful woman and have my own children and my own life.
With the simple advice of thinking positive and staying focused on your life, it can change you greatly, and for the better. Don’t get stuck longing on the past and the problems because it will just bring you down. Everyday, start with a positive thought and continue through your day. Good things will happen. I’m not saying it will completely remove bad or negative things but it will surely help to minimize them.
I hope this advice works for you as good as it has worked for me!