The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Are You Stuck in the Friend Zone?
The Friend Zone Has Much To Teach You If You Are Willing to Learn
In Wake of Valentine’s Day, This Is Advice To All You Single Men and Women Stuck in the Friend Zone
A topic that I never thought I would be discussing here, but I think it is only fair to cover this specific topic because everyone knows about it, and has most likely experienced it in their life, but not everyone knows how to deal with it, especially in a positive way.
Surely, some of you have fallen head over heels crazy for a woman or a man at work or some other place, and yet, they never seem to find the time of day for you, nor will they ever make the time of day for you. This topic could cover high school, college, work, and just about every part of your life. You ask them out and if they don’t immediately reject you, they might agree, make and blow plans with you, lead you on, and nothing ever seems to go anywhere or materialize into anything of significant importance.
In fact, you realize they like someone else and they are not really into you, but they “still want to be friends.” Meanwhile, you are left to go home and wonder what the hell happened. You were hoping for some good sex, maybe a relationship, but whatever the case may be, you ended up in the Friend Zone. Story of my life for a long time.
If the Friend Zone were a club, I would have probably been the President. It took me years to understand the Friend Zone, embrace it for the pathetic, yet informative realm it really is, and to eventually walk away from it. If there are two sides to the coin, as there are two sides to the story: I have probably put quite a few girls that were interested in me into the Friend Zone, not being really interested in them, or just too occupied with getting “the one” I was after than noticing who was in front of me. I also put several girls that I really liked into the Friend Zone, for fear that they would put me there first, thus avoiding the whole thing altogether.
Before we continue: Know this – if you think “having” or “being with” a person, your love interest, will make you happy, you are wrong. Happiness is never found solely in the person you “want”. Sure it will help you to find some happiness, and if things work out, you will bring each other happiness, but happiness must come from within. If you get with someone and expect them to make and keep you happy, you will lose that person, the relationship will fail, and you have much to learn about relationships and may not be ready for a relationship at this time.
If you have come to know the person but have not yet asked them out or have not even let them know that you like them, than you need to make the move. Just make the move! You will risk losing them, but what have you got to lose? Your “BFF”, your friend? They stay with you and keep you around because they think you are “safe”. If you have developed feelings, you can continue driving yourself nuts, or just go for it. Get it over with. Yes, you may lose a “friend”, but at least you will know.
If you want to continue your path of “just friends”, feel free, but how long can that last? All your life while you watch the person you secretly love go in and out of relationships, love other people, but never love you the same way you love them?
You will do yourself a favor in the long run by letting them know how you feel. It is the best way to remove yourself from the Friend Zone, but of course, you may ultimately risk losing your potential love interest too. Well worth the risk and loss to break away from your insanity.
There are plenty of girls I wish I had told and just gotten it out of the way, but I did not, and I always wondered. However, as I got older, that changed when I started seeing myself as a romantic partner to women instead of just a friend. Best decision anyone could ever make. The Friend Zone is great to learn your lessons, but it is not a place you want to remain for your entire life.
I bet you feel like there is something wrong with you for being in the Friend Zone and you feel all hope is lost and that is where you will always be. Maybe you are just too nice. Maybe you should try to be more mean. No, not really, you should just be you. It will work best for you in the long run.
I will be straightforward with you: If you see yourself as a friend with everyone you meet, than chances are, that is what you will always be. I have known plenty of men who take on this role of “being the friend” and I am guilty for it myself. I have also seen plenty of women who consider themselves as “just the friend” and are not seen as sexual or flirtatious, and that is only bound to lead them right directly into the Friend Zone.
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. The Friend Zone is for you! But you can easily get out of it by seeing yourself as more than a friend and letting the other person basically know that you are horny as hell and looking for more, though reality and your fantasy are not going to be exactly what you are hoping for!
Unfortunately, it is a rare occurrence to ever escape the Friend Zone with your current love interest if they have already made it clear that you are there, so save yourself from all the pain, misery, and craziness you would have put yourself through otherwise, and stop dreaming and hoping, get them out of your head, and move on.
Trust me, you will save yourself days, weeks, months, and years of chasing after emptiness, and the sooner you do that, the sooner you will notice more people who are actually interested in you than the one person who is not. Consider it their loss, not yours.
These phrases are all too common to let you know that you are in the Friend Zone. Let me know if they sound familiar:
- “You are a nice guy.”
- “You are a great girl.”
- “You are too nice.”
- “Wow you are so sweet.”
- “Wow you are so nice.”
- “I like you too much to hurt you.”
- “I do like you, but…”
- “I don’t want to hurt you so it is best that we stay friends.”
- “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
- “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”
- “I really like you as a person.”
- “I really like you as a friend.”
- “You are a really good friend.”
- “You are a really great friend.”
- “I think of you as a brother.”
- “I think of you as a sister.”
- “You remind me of my brother.”
- “You remind me of my sister.”
- “You remind me of my mom.”
- “You remind me of my dad.”
- “Can we just be friends?”
- “I really cherish your friendship.”
- “You are so amazing, I wish I could find a guy like you.”
- “Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
- “Any guy would be lucky to have you.”
- After hanging out once: “I’m really busy, I wish I had the time to hang out with you, but work/family/school…” or some other excuse.
- “Lets hang out sometime.” Without giving you any further information.
- “We should hang out sometime.” Without giving you any further information.
- After a date: “Well thanks for [lunch/dinner/movie], it was nice hanging out with you.”
- “I have a boyfriend.” This is an exception: She or he may actually be telling you the truth and is really not interested in you because of this.
- “I have a girlfriend.” This is an exception: She or he may actually be telling you the truth and is really not interested in you because of this.
- “I’ll give you a call sometime.” Go ahead and make other plans and move on with your life. They are not going to call you.
- “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is an exception: It really may just be that they are not interested in you due to many other factors, including you. (Origination and popular uses of this line: Jimmy Nail – Ain’t No Doubt and Seinfeld (Season 5, Episode 6) – It’s Not You It’s Me)
There are plenty more that I am sure I am forgetting, but if you are or were once like me, you have heard them all. All music to my non-virgin ears. I have heard these phrases from all different types of women of all races, colors, and creed. Sometimes I have heard the same exact phrase from different women. It all means the same thing. They come from men too.
Look at it this way: Those people are being way too nice and that lets you know the person is actually “too nice” for you. They themselves deserve to be in your Friend Zone because they do not want to be seen as less than a “nice person.” Whatever the case, rejection does not mean they are not nice. She or he is probably a really nice person. They are just not interested in you and that is perfectly okay. Accept it and move on!
Everyone has a set of standards they are looking for in a significant other and unfortunately, you do not meet the requirements of what that person wants in a romantic partner and relationship. No matter what you do, you will never meet the requirements, and even if you did everything in your power and everything right to match their requirements, you would still not meet their expectations. They have so many factors that have influenced them to look for a specific type of partner, from their own mothers and fathers, siblings, to their own genetics, to their own environment, to their own shallowness, to their wants, needs, and desires. Stop wasting your time and move on.
Some may want something long-term, while others only want something short-term. Some may want a white man or woman, black man or woman, hispanic man or woman, asian man or woman, or any other race or religion because that is what they are into, how they were raised, or just what they are looking for in a partner. I have gone after a woman or two who let me know early on that they were interested in only a specific type of man of a different color.
There are some women who may be looking for a “baby daddy” and cannot explain it – not intentionally, but these are women who find a very attractive man, and want to be in a relationship with him, thinking they can change him, but deep down, they know that he will never change, commit or be loyal to them, yet they still pursue him, sleep with him, and have his child.
Why? Because their genetics may be screaming at them to make a baby with him. Afterwards, they may return to “the nice guy”, who originally showed interest in them, and then they want a relationship with him, because he suddenly becomes more attractive to them.
The truth: They are after his wallet, willingness of [financial] support, and stability, which means much more now to them than his looks. He may lack the intelligence to see this or recognize this behavior, and may even believe that she loves him. She may love him or she may eventually love him, but every story is different.
My advice to him: Run!
Otherwise: Different strokes for different folks.
For those who continue to use those funny phrases listed above, who does that?
If you have a job that requires you to clean and you did a half-ass job and your boss came and said, “It looks okay.” Than your boss is obviously sugar-coating the truth and lying to you, and not doing his own job correctly. No, it is not okay. You did a half-ass job cleaning your area. Do it right, do a better job. Tell it like it is. Stop sugar-coating the issue! Your boss is not a nicer person for it, in fact, the boss is cruel for doing it! The boss would be much “nicer” for telling the truth. Besides, does the boss really care what his employee thinks of him because he is telling them they did not do a good job of cleaning a certain area? Do you really care what the person you are rejecting thinks about you anyway?
If you are not interested in someone or someone is not interested in you, than it is okay to let them know that you are not interested in them. It is this simple: “Hey, I am honored that you have noticed me and are attracted to me, and want to get to know me, but I am not interested in you.” Was that so hard? No harm, no foul, and everyone saved time in the process.
Too many phrases lead people on and give them false hope. Kill the hope early on, kill their dreams, and end their suffering immediately so they can move on to new hopes, new dreams, and find someone who actually wants to be with them. You will be a better person for it.
If the person still wants to be friends with you after you rejected them and accepts that they are in the Friend Zone, than that is their choice and on them from now on, not you anymore. Do not hesitate to reassure them from time to time, if you must, that you are just friends, and you are not giving them any hope of being in a relationship with you.
If you are being rejected, respect the other person’s decision to reject you and move on. You must understand this important point: They are doing you a great service and a favor.
I am not one to hold grudges, but rather, I see everything as an opportunity. Rejection is an open door to a new path. Everywhere you are is where you should be. Every place you arrive at is a part of your journey. Every person who comes into your life has a purpose and a reason for being there. The Friend Zone is no different.
I used to despise the Friend Zone, thinking it was a bad thing, and there are plenty of dating companies springing up that use it for marketing purposes. Many men and even women feel hopeless, thinking there is something wrong with them, because they keep ending up in the Friend Zone. This soon leads to desperation and getting with anybody, and eventually, the possibility of an unhappy relationship.
While it is true that there are certainly people more prone to entering into the Friend Zone, it is because they appear more as a friend, rather than a sexual partner to others, and they can change that, or they can stay the same until they find someone who does not see them as “just a friend.”
Now I hate to admit it, but I like the Friend Zone. Not only do you get access to a new friend and some of their most inner thoughts, as women are always willing to share those with their “guy friends”, but you get so much insight into the opposite sex. You learn about their likes, dislikes, and what their boyfriends are doing right or wrong.
Do you see the opportunity you miss out on because you are swooning over this same person that put you in the Friend Zone? Yes, you developed feelings for this person who put you in the Friend Zone and keep dreaming that something is going to change. Unfortunately, it is not going to change because you are not in a Hollywood movie. Sorry. Accept it and move on. Stop swooning and start taking notes. They are the best wing-man or wing-woman you will ever have.
I cannot tell you how many girls I have really liked that immediately saw me “just as a friend” or immediately put me in the Friend Zone and I was devastated, hoping, praying, and sometimes even crying over the fact that I knew I was doomed to remain in the Friend Zone.
I was once so in love and convinced that a girl was “the one” and my “soul mate” that there was not anything I would not do for her. I could feel her presence when she entered the room, I could feel her near me, and every time I saw her, she gave me this great ambition and desire to be a better person. To this day, she probably still does, but I made the decision to let her go out of my life, which was probably best for us both.
I had prayed and I think I had even offered my soul at one point for the promise that she could be mine and I would be hers. Fortunately or unfortunately, my soul is still mine. I remained friends with her, tried to take her out on dates, tried to be involved in her life, and no matter what I did, in the end, I was still just her friend. The reality of the situation is probably that while I may have felt a connection with her or think that I felt a connection, she probably did not feel the same.
It is now years later and I am probably no longer friends with any of those girls who used to tell me all their deepest darkest secrets, trusting me to never tell a soul, and I never did, but I used all the information they gave me and I had a wonderful relationship when I finally found a woman who accepted me and saw me as more than just her friend. We are certainly the best of friends, but with all the aspects of a relationship. It led to some of the best sex of my life and I knew how to treat her, how to handle arguments, and what I should do in the relationship that other men just always seemed to completely miss or misunderstand.
I can reflect on being in the Friend Zone with confidence now instead of feeling pathetic that I was ever there. Men and women who get placed there understand more about relationships than those who never land in the Friend Zone. They are likely to be more understanding of their partner, have better sex, and a great relationship overall. I urge you to embrace the Friend Zone. Trust me, the man or woman who put you there did you a huge favor.
You know what they did for you? I will quote their hypothetical thoughts:
What precious gift is this!? They did you a favor! They just helped you to move on, get over them in an instant, and find someone who is right for you! They helped you skip all the drama and bullshit that they would have probably put you through, saved you time, and I guarantee you that after a few months of having known them, looking at all their flaws and all the crap they would have pulled on you, you would be so glad they did not want you anyway.
I have actually gone as far to let a girl know that I was not interested in her in that way because I knew she assumed I was, and once we got past all that nonsense, we became friends for a while, before she ended up not liking me. Long story short, she thought it was okay to verbally put me down in front of her friends, but I let her know exactly the kind of person she was, and she did not like it one bit, especially because I had told it to her right in front of all her “real” friends.
Yes, I am the “nice guy” after all.
For men, there is a saying, “For every hot woman out there, there is always some man somewhere who is sick and tired of her shit.”
For women, there is a saying I just made up now, “For every wrong man out there that you want, there are a dozen better right ones who are looking for you.”
To both men and women, I tell you: Open up your eyes and stop hoping, praying, and crying for the ones you can’t get, and be accepting of the ones you can get. There is a song that emphasizes this point, by Crosby, Stills, and Nash, called “If You Can’t Be With The One You Love, Love The One You’re With.” True words. You will save a lot of time and find the happiness you are seeking.
I bet that you have put someone in the Friend Zone, someone who is just right for you, ready to give you the best sex of your life, and would probably make one of the best relationships you have ever had in your life, and yet you ignore that person because they do not seem to “meet your standards.” Perfectly acceptable, but if you are looking for someone to love and for someone to love you, check our your Friend Zone pool.
I can reflect on many different friendships I have had that ended in the Friend Zone. Some of those chicks are now fat, some married and miserable, some with kids, some still single (with kids), and some that just do not deserve my attention or my time of day anymore. I quietly think to them: Thank you so much for putting me in the Friend Zone!
Learn from the behavior patterns of men and women who put you in the Friend Zone. They will teach you everything you need to know about what you want and don’t want in your partner. If you are a man or a woman and you have a good or decent job, are relatively good looking, smell good, and are generally a good person, then realize this: You have more to offer him or her than he or she probably has to offer you, unless they are in the same boat as you.
Sure, he or she can give you some kids, great sex, and a lifetime of happiness (or pain), but if he or she wants to continue his or her ways and not even give you a chance or even the time of day — than consider it a huge favor and move on with your life.
You already know he or she is probably going to end up with a kid or two, maybe three, and as a single mom or dad because they went after the asshole or the bitch. Afterwards, maybe later on down the road, they will try coming back to you and then they will be interested in you.
The advice I have for you on that: Put them in the Friend Zone. Run. They do not deserve your time of day. Bittersweet Symphony!
Change your perspective of how you see the Friend Zone and you will learn very valuable life lessons and you may even get a few hot female friends out of it! Nothing better than eye candy when you get invited to the beach by one of your hot female friends to “hang out”.
You are being taught great life lessons while in it that you should not be ignoring. Embrace the Friend Zone for it has much to teach you and you have much to learn from it!
When the day comes where you are no longer in the Friend Zone and in a real relationship, only then will you realize how much the Friend Zone has helped you! You will also look back and realize how much of a joke it really is and how much of a big deal it really isn’t.