The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Fight For Your Relationship If You Want It
In the beginning of any relationship, the strong attraction is there, the loving, caring, and kindness is there. The chemicals in our brains make everything magical and our love of each other is a dream come true. Once the honeymoon stage of a relationship is over of being in love, the couple must work together to stay in love, be in love, and continue to love each other. Relationships require a lot of work to work.
From the decision of living together, getting married, and having children, relationships mature and both people will change. Both people in the relationship must learn to grow together and develop as individuals in the relationship. They must learn to live with each other’s differences and love each other’s flaws, as there will be plenty. There is no perfect couple and no perfect person in the relationship. Relationships are about growing together, learning together, and loving together no matter what.
The emphasis is always on communication, which is the start of any relationship, and the resolution to continue the relationship. Communication can either make or break the relationship. Relationships require listening, patience, understanding, caring, and a mutual respect for each other’s opinions, choices, and goals.
Despite how much we envision a perfect relationship and fantasize about having the perfect partner, they only exist in our minds. In reality, however, we might come close to finding a person whom we get along with, talk to, hang out, with, and enjoy, as this person is our best friend.
Regardless of how perfect we want our relationship to be, there will always be flaws, pet peeves, annoyances, arguments, and fights. It is getting through these moments, in which we work out our differences, and compromise, to discover the other side: a stronger relationship. No tree ever grew up strong without the wind, thus, your relationship needs the same tests, trials, and tribulations in order to mend, mold, and thrive into something powerful.
In a previous confession, I wrote about the importance of the aforementioned in Mistakes We Make In Our Relationship.
We cannot know that we are making mistakes in a relationship unless both sides acknowledge and agree that there are relationship issues that need to be worked on together. There are plenty of mistakes in our relationship that both sides make, and as we grow and develop, there tend to be more issues that arise that are guaranteed to cause confrontation with our partner.
In a continuing effort to understand the weaknesses in our relationship and in order to improve our relationship, we have devised more common mistakes we make in our relationship.
Forgetting You Are Both Partners in Love
With all the happenings of daily life, it is very easy to forget you were both romantically in love at one time. Somehow you are in a relationship and living a life together. You share everything together, you made a life together, and you are basically in a relationship with your best friend. Aren’t you? That best friend just happens to be someone you love and can have sex with everyday if you both prefer, and that is just what most people who are single want, including you at one point, to find your best friend, whom you love, and the sex is just a great wonderful bonus added into the mix.
Turning Sex Into a Chore, Reward, or Weapon
There is nothing more unsatisfying and unappealing that will kill romantic feelings, love, and ultimately a relationship more than turning sex into a chore.
“Getting the deed done” simply because one partner wants to have sex and the other does not is not fun at all. In fact, it almost seems like rape to the one who wants to have sex. It makes the partner who wants to have sex feel guilty for wanting to have sex. This also applies to emotionless and non-passionate sex.
If men wanted to just ejaculate and release, they would probably turn to masturbation. Men do need an intimate connection as much as women do. Believe it or not, men need sex to feel like men. Many people may argue with me or disagree, but it is deep-rooted in the genes of men. This is not to say that men who choose to remain abstinent or who have made the personal choice not to have sex are not men. Men are men, but the act of sex may drive confidence into men.
The fault does not just lie with women for making sex a chore, but men may be responsible for why their woman is feeling that way as well.
If you are a man, perhaps the entire sex session is over too quickly and you only take your own needs into consideration without ever doing anything to satisfy her, turning her completely off of sex, since you always made it about you and never about both of you.
You need to take her into consideration, as she is sharing with you her body and one of the most intimate moments she will ever have with you. In the bedroom, it is not about you, it is about your partner. For your partner, it is about you. As much as you would like to do your thing and then roll over and go to sleep, you need to make sure your partner is satisfied.
A repetitious, unexciting, short, and unromantic performance is not likely to get you repeated action. Would you go see the same boring movie twice? Would you eat the same bland meal everyday? Probably not, you would find movies that are interesting and exciting to you, just as you would find spices to make your dinner taste better. The same thing goes with your sex life.
Make sure that her needs, fantasies, and desires are fulfilled in the bedroom. Be willing to have the patience and cherish each passionate moment with her. She will likely share you with her own passions and desires, especially if you give an exceptional and pleasurable performance that allows her to experience her magical orgasms.
If you are a woman, and your man wants to spice up your sex life and make attempts to have a romantic relationship with you and make things right again, and he is trying, than it is not fair of you to withhold sex, to use sex as a “reward” system or use sex as a weapon, to show no emotion during sex, to tell him to “do his thing and get it over” with as quick as possible, or to make sex the most boring and uninteresting thing to do with you. You may not be doing it intentionally, but you are literally turning yourself into his sex object.
You may have issues with yourself, you may have issues with your man, but if your man is trying to improve upon his relationship with you, you should be wanting to improve your relationship with him as well. If you aren’t going to bother to try, why should he?
This also involves forgetting about some of the less than exciting or enthusiastic moments of your past sexual history with your man, not holding on to grudges, and not bringing up situations that turn you or him off right before, during, or even after sex. If he has issues performing, than instead of blaming him, help him figure out what may be wrong, as the roots of the cause may be deeply internal, or it might even be you (sorry).
The things you say to him do affect his libido, his attraction, and his erection towards you, and this is just the same for women. Men, anything you say and do will be held against you, so choose your words wisely, and always praise the woman you love. There is a joke that many single adult men have no issues with getting an erection, while it is the married men who turn to Viagra. While stress, age, and other life factors may play a role in libido, it is you who are the major contribution to the sexual excitement.
By telling a man that you are no longer interested in sex and that you could do without it, you are telling him you no longer attracted to him, that you no longer love him (even if you really do), and basically robbing him of the very last thing he will ever share with you that is intimate. As much as women are emotional creatures, men can be emotional too, and certainly physical, and the act of sex with our partners means a lot, but we also want to know that it means something to you as well.
Telling a man that all he ever thinks about is sex is usually an excuse. If that is all he is ever demanding from you, than you might have the upper hand in this case, but the majority of the time, wanting sex once or twice a day… just kidding! … Wanting sex a few times a week or a month should probably not be considered “wanting sex all the time”. Sex is one of his motivators and part of his general well-being and happiness, especially if it is with you.
At one time, you may have had a sexual drive that was high and all you two were doing was having lots of sex, but the reason he still wants to have sex with you is because he is into you and it is part of his way of showing it. He knows best that you are still into him, as well, and your love is certainly affirmed, when you have the desire to have sexual intercourse with him.
Once the intimacy is gone, you may not expect him to change, but he will do all in his power to preserve himself, and if that means no longer acknowledging you or wanting to do stuff for you, than you might have brought that on yourself. If you see him doing stuff for you, it is because he loves you, but in that love, he is seeking the affection, intimacy, romance, and desire for sex that he so craves from you.
While he may not be a man who will ever cheat on you, as he would be devastated to betray you, he will turn somewhere else for his release, specifically in porn and masturbation, robbing you of the sexually intimate energy he would have spent on you.
Whether you are man and woman, husband and wife, committed boyfriend and girlfriend, committed boyfriend and boyfriend, or committed girlfriend and girlfriend, you should be obligated to your partner, from the promise to honor, cherish, love, and hold each other until you die or part ways. When one or both partners stop these commitments with each other, where exactly is the promise of the relationship?
If your man, however, is abusive in any way towards you, in his treatment of you or the children of the household, his lack of responsibilities to the household and chores, or his lack of commitment to you in the relationship, than you do have the right to withhold sex from him until he learns how to treat you like the delicacy you are. While this may seem like a reward system, it is about mutual, genuine and equal respect for each other.
Sex is about sharing a unique experience with each other and should lead to the greatest pleasure for both people involved. It is about exploring the body and soul of each other on a very intimate level. If it leads to one partner being satisfied, rolling over, and going to sleep, leaving the other just lying there, waiting for something to happen, than sex would certainly seem like a chore to the unsatisfied partner.
Remember at one point, both of you were once looking to get laid and have sex with someone who you cared about and who cared about you. When you finally met each other, you could not wait to have sex with each other, and when you finally got into the bedroom, it was hot, passionate, and amazing love-making. You were both so attracted to each other, imagining new ways to have sex, new things to do to each other, and having patience with each other to really understand what the other wanted sexually.
Most women could have sex with anyone and many men can find sexual partners. The fact is, many of us don’t want to just have sex with anyone. We want to have sex with you. We are in a relationship and we chose you for a reason. We love you and want to have hot passionate fiery sex with you. We want to make love to you under the sheets, in the shower, on the couch, and all over the house. Okay, well with kids, that is not going to happen anymore, unless they are at school.
The point is, sex should be something special that is shared between two people who love each other, not a chore that has to be performed out of duty or obligation. Sex is a magical experience that should be explored with each other. There is far more to sex than just humping and pumping, but spiritual and physical orgasms that can be reached for both men and women that can bring you both to mysterious powerful and pleasureful realms beyond your imagination. Besides, life is too short to not be having sex.
Not Doing Stuff Together As A Couple
There is nothing less romantic than going on a date or to a movie … with the children. Any and all romance in the most romantic place in the world will be killed if there are children or others present. Of course, there is the rare couple who somehow manages, but for the majority, not possible. When it comes to planning and doing stuff, this is ranked in right with spending time together and making each other a priority.
Just like you both once did, making plans with each other, going to concerts, movies, and other events. Make it happen again, but just the two of you. Spend time alone, get to know each other again, and try to avoid just talking about the children and what you both normally talk about.
Discuss new ideas, philosophy, and values. Talk about romantic or sexual fantasies, places you both want to travel, and stuff you want to do together, just the two of you. Rekindle your relationship and rekindle your romance. Make each other your priority and do things together as a couple.
Feeling guilty about leaving the kids behind? Don’t. You will be doing plenty of stuff with them during their childhood. Don’t feel guilty about taking a weekend together. You both deserve it.
Lack of Affection Towards Each Other
It seems the more time that passes in a relationship, the less attention, focus, and affection you give towards each other. Again, life gets in the way, things happen, one person may not be happy with the other, tensions building, the children, etc. Before you know it, your affection towards each other is a kiss on the cheek before bed.
Nothing shows a lack of care about each other than when you both stop showing affection towards each other, when you stop flirting with each other, or even stop hugging. We, as human beings, all desire some form of affection in one way or another. Some people may not liked to be touched, hugged, or kissed, but there are many different ways to show your spouse affection.
Your partner is your significant other for a reason and you did something that got you together. If you are in a relationship with someone who just does not like affection, than ask them or figure out a way to show and receive affection with each other. It may spark romance or at least reaffirm a loving relationship towards one another.
Going To Bed Angry
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather sleep alone, on the couch, in the doghouse, or outside in the cold without a blanket than by someone who is angry at me. The old marriage cliché saying is: “Never go to bed angry.”
Married men surely understand this phrase. Who wants to go to sleep next to an angry woman? You know she knows where everything in the kitchen is, including the knives.
The idea behind this is that if you go to bed angry, you go to bed with unsolved issues. No grudge is worth holding while you sleep. You also never know if the person lying next to you will wake up tomorrow, and the last thing you want them to know is that you were angry at them before you both went to sleep.
Of course, it is not easy to just end an argument and not be mad at each other before bedtime, so make it a point to not fight before bed, get your arguments and battles done a few hours before you both go to sleep. Kiss and make up. If you must go to bed angry, than at least let your loved one know that you love them before you close your eyes to sleep.The other reason behind not going to bed angry is because bed and sleep are the symbolism of rest and peace. Having anger associated while in bed may disrupt that rest and peace. Do your best not to go to bed angry. If you happen to make up before bed, this time would be the perfect time for some makeup sex. Get it all out, roll over, and go to sleep.
Constantly Bringing Up The Past
Women are more often guilty of this than men, but bringing up the past, especially in a negative way can only remind us of our failures and might change nothing today. The past is the past and nothing can be done about it. It is like a man saying sorry for something he did in his past. Unless he actually changed his ways or the reason he said sorry, than there is no point to the apology.
What you have is today to work on for a better tomorrow. If something is bothering you from the past, bring it up once in a serious conversation and make sure things change then and there. Give it a few days and bring it up again. Don’t wait for an argument to bring it up, where it is completely irrelevant to the situation.
If nothing changes, than it might be acceptable to bring it up again, but if something has changed, and the reference for it keeps coming up, it is an unnecessary reference. If your man keeps leaving the toilet seat up and you keep falling in, than you are in the clear to constantly bring it up in until he stops. However, in arguments, where logic should exist, the past is brought up which almost negates the entire argument, and makes any man not feel like he should argue because there is the points being made are not relevant to the actual argument. If you want a fair argument, than stay in the present and work on the current issues, not past issues, which are in the past.
If your partner has cheated, you will find yourself constantly bringing up the past. There is nothing you or your partner can do to prevent your paranoia and concerns. You took your partner back and now you must deal with the consequences of constant monitoring, arguments, insanity, etc. If they cheated, that was probably not a mistake, and they were looking for excitement and a way out, so if you are bringing up the past, you brought it on yourself because you did accept them back into your life.
Just know this: constantly bringing up the past in a negative way can be no good for a positive future.
Relationships are an investment in you and your partner’s future and should be taken seriously. You entered into a relationship with your partner based on the understanding that you were friends, lovers, and partners. Staying committed to each other comes with the promise of love and understanding. When one side begins to lose these qualities, the overall dynamics of the relationship diminish.
If you both wish to work together to improve the relationship, you both must be committed once again to pleasing each other. There is a tendency for both partners to become bored and unexcited with each other, due to work-life balance, children, and other obstacles that may arise. It is those who look past and surpass these obstacles together, supporting and holding the hand of their partner through the good times and bad, whose relationship grows the strongest in every aspect, from friendship, to love, and sex.
You both will make plenty of mistakes in the relationship. If you both are lacking communication with each other or one side continuously accuses and criticizes the other, the relationship is doomed to fail, as the mistakes will continue. Only when both sides mutually agree to respect each other’s decisions and carefully listen to each other, working on pet peeves and other annoyances, will this also help to form a powerful bond between you and your partner. Consideration for the feelings of each other helps a relationship to grow and prosper. There was once a time where you both would do anything for each other. Consider the fact that listening, communication, and working on the relationship is part of doing anything for each other, especially if you both want to make it work.