The views of this article are the perspective of the author and may not be reflective of Confessions of the Professions.
Don’t You Want Someone To Love You – Don’t Let Your Relationship Slip Away
… to paraphrase Heart in their song, “What About Love”, which many bands and authors sing and write endlessly about. If you found love or if love found you, why would you let it slip away? Fight for the love you once sought. Fight to make it work, for the bonded connection that is love is hard to find. Many people remain single, looking, or divorced, because they think they cannot find or make love work.
Love is different from lust and is the soul wanting to make a connection with another human being, specifically one that it finds attractive. When two individuals are in love, they cannot explain why, but they just know that it is love. When two individuals become unbalanced and begin to argue and fight, they may start to rethink whether it was really love or not. In most cases, it certainly is and was love.
Love is the want, desire, and need to have experiences with another soul, to care for them, to protect, and save them from almost every situation they may find themselves in. Love causes many of us to be stupid, for there are plenty of things we do for love that we would not ordinarily do, yet we cannot explain fully why we do those things for love.
As confusing as love is, as dangerous as love can be, love is one of the most powerful experiences that a human being will ever know. Love may come as quickly as it goes, but love really never dies, no matter how much we try to forget about love, or destroy love, love never forgets about us. Love is created and formed through bonds, connections, and moments. When those bonds, connections, and moments are no more, does love cease to exist?
These are even more mistakes we make in our relationship that threatens what keeps us together.
Acting Like Children
There are times in our relationship, where if you looked at it objectively, you could see both sides are acting completely like children in the form of stubbornness, tempers, and tantrums.
The woman in the relationship may:
- put on the ignore treatment
- make her man guess what she wants
- throw fits or have an outburst that has been building up all day, and the only person, who was at her side at the end of the day, she decided to take it out on
- leave subtle hints, but never tell him what she wants, what is wrong, or gets mad at him for guessing wrong
- be indecisive for everything, forcing her man to make all the decisions for her
- have a daughter complex where she wants her man to be her father
- throw tantrums because something did not go her way, or her man did not buy her what she wanted
- want to be treated like an equal, yet acts as if she is not
- pout but does not state what is wrong
- mock her man or put him down
- not support or stand behind her man in certain situations
- withhold sex or use sex as a weapon or reward to get her own way
- not act like or be a responsible mother
- have a hard time accepting responsibility for her actions, often using emotions rather than logic to win arguments and fight about nonsense
- blame men for all her problems
- blame her father or mother for all her problems
- use extreme feminism to convince others of her independence as a woman
- refuse or never offer to pay any tabs or bills and may expect her man to pay for everything
- refuse to get a job or start a career in hopes that “prince charming” will come along
- not have any established line of credit or uses the credit of others
- spend money as if it will never run out, especially if it is not her own
- never have money of her own
- expect the world to be served to her on a silver platter with a golden spoon
- have celebrity socialites as idols and worship them
- not be able to distinguish between her wants and her needs and is often broke because she is not financially responsible
These are all childish behaviors that women often put men through that completely turn them off, as most men expect to be with a woman, not a child.
For those women who behave or act this way, please: Use your big girl words.
By this, of course, I mean, it is time for you to grow up and start acting like a woman.
Men, on the other hand, are not so forgiven in this area, either.
The man in the relationship may:
- have a tendency to forget important things too often or become laxidasical and lazy in chores, and even in the bedroom
- have a hard time dedicating time between video games and his responsibilities
- be only concerned with video games or hobbies and not reality
- have a hard time committing or stepping up and making a decision, on his and her behalf, and often turns to his woman to make that choice for him
- not have his shit together and have a hard time holding a steady job, refuse to get a job, or not have getting a job as a priority
- have a tough time with authority, or responsibility
- have a hard time taking the relationship seriously, often times flirting with other women, as if he does not have one right beside him
- struggle to say “I love you”
- have a very low credit score or one that does not register on any scale
- never have money and is financially irresponsible
- not accept responsibility for his own actions and often blames others for his problems
- spend more time with his friends than his woman
- rarely spend money on his woman
- never make plans to do anything with his woman, expecting the relationship to work without adding any excitement
- not put effort into the relationship
- mock his woman or put her down
- lack ambition to do anything with his life and has no direction
- lack initiative to do anything or has to be pushed to do things by his woman or even his own mother
- be inconsiderate of his lady’s wants, needs, desires, and feelings, especially in the bedroom
- use the excuse that he is stuck in his ways and cannot change
- act like all women are the same, stereotyping them, including his own partner
- lack communication, avoid it, or cannot hold a conversation
- be disrespectful to other people or lacks compassion
- not act like or be a responsible father
- often get jealous
- think the world owes him something
For those men who continue to behave like a child, she might be with you now, but she will not be for long when, and if, she discovers how a man is supposed to act and treat her.
For those men who act this way, please: Use your big boy words.
By this, of course, I mean, it is time for you to grow up and start acting like a man.
These lists are fully incomplete and there are tons of other childish behaviors that come from both men and women who have yet to prove themselves to be responsible adults in the relationship. Both men and women may both equally act like children in certain situations and this includes a man or woman who gives into their partner’s childish behavior, as it is the same thing as a child who has a tantrum in order to get what they want. This is a huge turnoff for both men and women, and could potentially destroy any relationship.
Grow The Fuck Up
That is the nicest way to write it. You are both adults, now act like it, behave like it, and treat each other like adults.
Fighting Like Children
The instigator could either be you or your spouse, but all the little arguments and the major arguments do add up. Your children see it. Everyone else sees it. You are both adults and yet you are constantly bickering and fighting like little children. Time to add some logic and maturity into the situation. Rather than raising voices, name calling, talking over one another, it is time for you both to relax, calm down, and look at each other again with respect.
You can both settle your differences with a conversation. If you don’t like something and they don’t like something, than work out your differences. It is possible to do all this without arguing and yelling. You may need a pencil and a piece of paper and you both can write your lists down of things that bother you about each other, but make sure you both mutually agree to doing it.
Find your common grounds and start from there. Figure out why you are fighting, why you keep fighting over and over. Get to the root of the issues and deal with them like mature adults.
Fighting In Front of the Children
Everyone has arguments and everyone fights, which is normal, but to constantly argue and bicker in front of the children will send off messages, especially subliminal messages. Your kids are well aware of everything you both say and everything you both do, especially to each other. They watch, learn, and observe everything you do in front of them and it will stay with them for the rest of their lives.
If they see you belittle each other, call each other names, put each other down, they will end up doing the same thing and eventually lose respect for both of you. You are god-like in their eyes and can do no wrong, but once you lose that status, it will never come back. Make sure that if you must argue, you do it out of sight and out of the way of the children. Figure out ways to cope with each other and have conversations about your annoyances or disputes, rather than arguments.
Not Giving Each Other Enough Space
This is a much misunderstood concept, with either partner becoming jealous, upset, or confused. There is a saying: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
When you are around someone constantly, you have no chance to really miss their presence or miss them, making you or them appear less affectionate, less desirable, and much less of a priority. When you are away for several hours or days at a time, you get a break from them and grow to miss them. Their personality, their smile, their eyes, their voice, their presence.
This absence is also much different than going to work and not seeing them throughout the day. This also allows you to feel more spontaneous and romantic towards them since they are not around you all the time. Seeing them again and experiencing them becomes your priority when you are not in their presence.
Most couples do not get a chance to ever be away from each other often for too long, forcing them to resent and even hate each other every so often. They seem to be attached at the hip and when making plans, both are always together, and never get to experience the freedom of the individuality they once had. The lack of absence also brings on a loss of identity. For example, instead of the individual, it is always the couple, and the mindset of both people is that way, but over time, this may cause a certain unhappiness.
Instead of “I” or “me”, it is always “we”, forming a sense of bitterness and doubt in the relationship from one or both sides, as both men and women need to have their own individual identities. From sharing a house, to sharing the bedroom, the closet space, the cars, the computer, the responsibilities of the household, the children, both partners really do need a vacation from each other in spurts. It is not so easy for two people to get away and go on vacation, nor would it seem right to go on vacation without each other, but a few hours away for the partners to indulge in their own hobbies and lifestyles might be a good thing.
A guy’s night out or a man cave may be appropriate for a man to have, while a woman should be able to have a woman’s night out along with her own shopping sprees or the chance to cozy up in bed with a nice book without being bothered by her man or the children.
Everyone needs their space. Find it with each other. Respect it with each other. Utilize it with each other. Make it happen for each other.
Not Going Out on Dates Ever
If you are home all the time, doing nothing new, experiencing nothing new and exciting, the relationship is bound to get boring, even if you have children. When you both got together, you did things together, you had quite a few experiences and cherished moments together. All these are now are memories and you two are not getting any younger.
Why stop creating new memories? You are with the person you love. Find new and exciting things to do with and without the kids. If you can drop the kids off for a weekend and get away, why not do it? Tell your mom you love her and drop the kids off. You will have to make sure you do something really nice for your mother on Mother’s Day and for her birthday, but it could be worth it.
Be spontaneous! Have a romantic getaway, plan an adventure, or go out on a date. Do something to spark new excitement into your relationship!
Becoming Lazy or Unexcited When Around Each Other
This is a common occurrence among couples who have been in a relationship for a long time. The children, the dog, the cat, and even the goldfish get a better greeting of affection and love than the spouse, like coming home from work and rushing to see everyone, and simply saying, “Oh, hi” to your spouse, or receiving the same response from spouse and family when you walk in the door.
Yup, hilarious cartoon scripts that are likely true for many people. You dog owners are guilty of these familiar situations, you know exactly what I am talking about. I know you love your dog, but you should love your human too. Even if your dog comes to the door to greet you and your spouse does not, you should make it a habit to greet your spouse before the dog. There are tons of subliminal messages that you send to your dog, just as you would your children, by acknowledging the dog first, and showing the dog more affection than your partner, which may lead to behavioral problems or learned unwanted behavior in your dog if it becomes routine.
Way to show your spouse they are not priority in your life and that there is a lack of affection towards them. This is utter disrespect to your partner and is bound to hurt any relationship. This kills feelings of romance and may even bring feelings of bitterness and resentment. The very first person who should be greeted and made a priority is your spouse. Everyone else can get a greeting of affection and love afterwards, but affirm your love for your spouse first.
No Patience For Each Other
When dating, both sides make quite a few sacrifices, with a woman putting her trust in this man, and the man putting his trust in this woman. There must be a balance of patience and tolerance, from missed calls, to delayed dates, to postponed events.
There are plenty of signs in the beginning that tell us whether this person is right or wrong for us, with some of those things being overlooked. In order for us to genuinely accept someone, we are patient enough to a certain extent, as we get to know our potential life partner.
The longer we are in the relationship, however, this patience seems to disappear, and we tend have immediate expectations from our partner, according to our own standards. For example, if one partner is a quick learner, but the other takes some time to learn or do something, the quick learning partner might lose patience and disregard their partner in some way or another. If one partner asks the other partner a question and immediately expects an answer back, without giving the other time to think about the question, this is impatience for our partner. However, if this situation were to involve other people, most likely, it would resort back to that patience. Why do we lose patience for our loved ones?
Have some patience and understanding and always revert back to some form of communication when it comes to that patience with your partner.
No Respect for Each Other
Another aspect in the dynamics of our relationship and dating is our mutual respect for each other. When dating and getting to know each other, we have the utmost respect for the other person and their family. We are willing to do almost anything for the other person, within reason. We are patient, understanding, and respectful of their dreams, goals, thoughts, wants, needs, and even sometimes their demands.
As the relationship progresses, however, we tend to lose respect for one another, demeaning or name calling each other, without really thinking about the consequences of our actions. How is it that we always end up hurting the ones we love? The respect is often lost, normally because we are just so used to each other, our personalities, and behaviors.
Almost everything you say to your spouse that is negative and disrespectful, you probably would never say to a stranger, your boss, a co-worker, or even your own children or family members. What makes your spouse the exception? Have some respect for each other and if it is lost, figure out ways to earn it and get it back. When you have no respect for your spouse, it is likely they have no respect for you. This will certainly result in a failed relationship if no measures are taken for improvement.
Arguing to Win
Every argument has two sides of a story. There may be two people involved, but it does not mean that right and wrong need to be in the equation. If there is clearly a right and a wrong answer or solution, that is certainly acceptable, but arguing just to win arguments is the worst thing you can do for your relationship.
Going against what your man or woman firmly believes in just to be the devil’s advocate or to steal your partner’s moment of glory can surely hurt any relationship. In some arguments, it is best to just agree to disagree, drop it, move on, and never bring it up again.
A relationship is about partnership and being on the same team, not having one winner or loser. While no argument in a relationship is completely avoidable, there are times when you certainly should pick and choose your battles.
Relationships are not about creating the idealistic Hollywood couple romance that comes without any stresses or issues. Find the perfect relationship and you may have found the Fountain of Youth, the City of Gold, the Ark of the Covenant, or all those mysterious wonders of life. In other words: it is impossible to find.
You may find a couple that hardly fights, but one that has absolutely no issues is a relationship where both partners may not live together or are not around each other all the time. There may be no backbone in the relationship and both sides may not care whether it fails or not. This type of relationship is based on false securities and is not bound to last.
While the fantasy of a relationship is one of finding your soul mate, relationships are about learning to be with someone you care about and love, and learning to accept and love their flaws. It is about learning to live with each other for what will probably be the majority of your life.
If you both decide to have children together, you have created something unique in the world and you are both responsible for raising and ensuring your offspring survive in this world. Having a relationship with someone is about trusting and loving someone who is committed to spending the best years of their and your life with you and no one else.
You and your partner may not always see eye to eye on everything and that is expected. Very rarely are two personalities who become involved with each other going to be exactly identical in every way, and the couple who are alike, are probably bored with each other. Relationships are not about control, but about mutual respect, understanding, and love.
The very point of fighting in a relationship is fighting for the relationship, in hopes that both partners can come to some type of mutual agreement with each other, looking beyond at the future of the relationship, and knowing that everything will work out. It will only work out if both sides figure out ways to make it work. The arguments may have needed to happen, but if they are always happening, and the same arguments are occurring, the dynamics of the relationship may need to be evaluated and examined. Sometimes input from an outside perspective is necessary.
As the years go by and you both grow older together, you will come to realize that the things you used to fight about no longer matter and were never as important as you made them out to be. You may learn that fighting with your partner is a waste of time and talking about your differences and learning to come to a compromise with each other about the situation may be the better solution. The more mature you both become, the more you will recognize that you really cannot live without your best friend.
Seeing Only The End
Some people got together, were once in love, maybe had a few kids, and are no longer in love. Life happened and both people grew apart. Some relationships work and others do not. Some couples have tried all the tricks and tips of dating and marriage and even went to counseling and nothing has worked. No matter what they do, nothing has worked and they constantly find themselves fighting and referring to separation or divorce.
If you begin to see that there is no other way, that you cannot work out your relationship, and are fantasizing about the day when you are single, or not with your partner anymore, just know that the grass is always greener on the other side. You will certainly alleviate some of the stress, but not all of it. If you have children, you still must figure out how it will work out between the two of you, as you will never eliminate your spouse from your life.
You may also still love your spouse, and they love you, but you both just need that time to be separated and have your space. There are a ton of factors you may want to consider before even thinking about doing anything drastic, such as ending the relationship. If you can only see a way out with no hope of restoring the relationship, than this is the route you must choose.
There are certainly stories of success with couples breaking it off, dating others, only to realize they were absolutely right for each other. There are also plenty of other stories where breaking it off, getting a divorce, was absolutely the best thing for both people.
The decision should be based on mutual understanding. If it is not going to work, no matter how much you tried, no matter how much therapy and counseling you went through as a couple, it is just not going to work, no matter how many times you rebuild the bridge, and you both now must accept the inevitable. If it keeps breaking, than it may be time to let the foundation go. It is completely up to both partners and how much they want to fight for the relationship.